I want what she is having...just a quickie

I want what she's having...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I have a delightful new friend,

I am most in awe of her.

When we first met I was impressed,

By her bizarre behavior.

That day I had a date with friends,

we met to have some lunch.

Mae had come along with them,

all in all... a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented,

we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups,

except for mae who circumvented,

and said, ice cream. please: 2 scoops.

I was not sure my ears heard right,

and the others were aghast.

along with heated apple pie,

mae added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant,

as if people did this all the time,

but when our orders were brought out,

I did not enjoy mine.

I could not take my eyes off Mae,

as her pie a-la-mode went down,

the other ladies showed dismay,

they ate their lunches silently, and frowned.

Well, the next time i went out to eat,

I called and invited Mae.

My lunch contained of white tuna meat,

and she ordered a parfait.

I smiled when her dish I viewed,

and she asked if she amused me.

I answered, Yes you do,

but you also confuse me..

How come you order rich deserts,

when I feel i must be sensible?

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth,

I am tasting all that's possible.

I try to eat the food i need,

and do the things i should,

but life's so short, my friend, indeed,

I hate missing out on something good..

This year I realized how old i was,

she grinned, I've not been this old before,

so, before i die, I've got to try,

those things for years i had ignored..

I've not smelled all the flowers yet,

there's too many books i have not read,

there's more fudge sundaes to wolf down,

and kites to be flown overhead..

there are many malls i have not shopped,

I've not laughed at all the jokes,

I've missed a lot of Broadway hits,

and potato chips and cokes..

i want to wade again in the water,

and feel ocean spray on my face,

sit in a country church once more,

and thank god for it's grace..

i want peanut butter every day,

spread on my morning toast.

i want un-limited long-distance calls,

to the folks i love the most..

I've not cried at all the movies yet,

nor walked in the morning rain.

i need to feel the wind in my hair,

i want to fall in love again..

So, if i choose to have desert,

instead of having dinner,

then i should die before nightfall,

I'd say i died a winner...

because i missed out on nothing,

i filled my heart's desire.

i had that final chocolate mousse.

before my life expired.

with that, i called the waitress over,

I've changed my mind, it seems.

i said, i want what she is having,

only add some more whipped-cream...

©unknown author

Back from hols...

I'm back from a lovely relaxing holiday in The Cotswolds, but now the hard work starts..lol. I have a mountain of washing to catch up on, and am now praying that the weather stays reasonable today so that I can get it dry. Although I am not holding my breath as metcheck are forecasting rain..ugh!!

Today is also the day I get Jet and Amy from J, so I am just dithering around today and just getting as much as I can done before they arrive..

Will post more about the holiday, with photos, later on in the week :)

On hiatus for a couple of weeks..

Chez Bear's will be quiet for the next two weeks, yep quieter than normal..lol We are all having a holiday - Bear, myself and D are traveling to the Cotswolds for a few days and the cats are getting a cat sitter while we are away..

I shall hopefully take lots of photos to share with you all when I get back..

Be good....

Afternoon everyone :-)

Hope everyone is doing okay sadly I cannot say the same about myself. For some reason I am refusing to "divorce my duvet", we've had such a "close relationship" for years its rather like a comfy pair of slippers..lol

Trouble is on the surface everyone thinks I am doing okay, D thinks I am plodding along happily doing what I am doing and looking forward to the holiday next week, the neighbours think I am "superwoman" keeping the house clean and tidy and befriending a neigbour in need. And my friends think I am being really great sailing through the end of the therapy and putting the depression behind me.

Sadly I think this isnt the case.. It's an effort to get myself out of bed and dressed at the moment. I have taken to hibernating and only going out with D, to the neighbour over the road and basically only places where I can see my car after I have parked it. I know this is stupid and isn't me, but I am getting complacent with my own company again..

My therapy is due to finish for good next month and I am terrified about this. I am basically being left to my own devices..

I'm back on the pill and it seems to be playing havoc with my hormones. My skin is looking awful, the weight I had shifted is creeping back on with this damn pill..(ok its not a lot for some but to me its a heck of a step backwards - back to 12 1/2 stone instead of 12 stone..:-( )

I told D about the debt that I had run up and he was great about it, BUT he won't pay it off, he has said its my fault and I have to learn by my own consequences. What he has said he will do is that I am showing that I am paying it each month, he will help me out with my spending money for the month as he knows it will leave me short. So I have spoken to the Debt people and have got them to agree to £5.00 a month without it going to court. They emailed me back and said they were happy for that..so that is a weight lifted off me.

I've been dipping in and out of my groups and not really putting anything into them at the moment. I put the odd post up all happy and cheery and then I disappear for a while. I am going through the isolated stage again, even though I have befriended a neighbour opposite, but she is depressed and basically it is an effort to stay in control of my own feelings when I see her. So because of this I cannot see her that often.

I was interested in reading about someone's befriending system with MIND and her meetings with them - I have looked up MIND here and our nearest one is Maidstone and its a bit of a trek to go to, but apart from that I don't know what else to do. I was even thinking of offering to be a "friend" to this person as I can see so much of myself in her but then I thought nope she won't want me around etc..besides she already has her own friends..etc etc..

As you can see I am feeling totally deflated and believe me my duvet is really looking inviting..lol

The house needs tidying up, the carpets need major hoovering and I really can't face it - daft I know especially as I know it wont take me long. I had all these plans that the house would be clean and tidy for the lady that comes and looks after the cats while we are away, and that it would be lovely and clean when we got back.

I am dreading the 24th of this month, as this is the day my ex is coming with my dog Jet and Amy my cat, and this has stirred up a lot of feelings. I know it will be painful but it has to be done basically if I want the dog and cat. I am also having doubts how D will be with Jet - I want him to love it as his own, like he does Bear but he says he cant..that is tearing me up.

If I could wish everything away then I would willingly, or hibernate forever and a day..

Thankyou for letting me ramble on and if you have got this far I think you deserve pats on the back.. :-)

Just a wee post ...plus photos

Haven't been around much and a couple of people have been worrying about me - sorry to be quiet, I just haven't really felt motivated to do anything stitching wise or even anything else come to think of it so the computer really hasn't been switched on that much. I didn't realise I had left it so long between the last blog...oops.. I'm a couple of days behind with sending out my exchange but I have got my rear into gear and it will be sent out first thing tomorrow :) I just feel that I have let my exchange partner down .. I really cannot seem to stick to flipping deadlines for some reason or other.

Anyway a few photos to brighten up my blog...

The first two are of the wasps nest that had taken residence in my redcurrant bush a few weeks ago. It has gone now thankfully..



These are just a few random ones that I have taken recently...enjoy

Piccie of the two mushrooms growing at the bottom of the garden. Click to enlarge :)

Some tomatoes from the garden :)

Ollie in his bush in the garden, the same one that the wasp nest decided to make a home in..

Here are some photo's of the house exchange that I was in on the SBEB board.

This is the piece I stitched for Paula, I finished it as a flat fold, and I was really pleased as it was the first time I had ever done this finish..

The design is from The Brown House Studio

This is the lovely exchange piece I received from Karoline on the SBEB board. It was funny really as we had used the same design fabric to back the flat folds..



Thank you once again for worrying about me.. Barbara I have popped an email over to you..

In rememberance of Barney...

Barney in her favourite seat - on her Dad's lap


Barney, for some reason only known to her, was very interested in sitting on the table and meowing at our height.. I think she thought she could get a better meow and we would take notice of her if she was at this level..

Barney in the dog bed..she was quite attached to the green throw that you can just see.

For Barney - 1 Year On...

The friend


He sat there in the corner,
Bespectacled, old and sad:
Beside him in a basket was
The only friend he had.
His cheeks were stained with teardrops,
His heart weighed down with fear,
In silent prayer his lips moved
He knew the end was near.
"Mr Jones" a voice called quietly,
He was gently ushered through:
As he went my thoughts were with him,
Been down that sad road too.
What seemed hours were but minutes,
Yet the minutes they dragged on:
As he approached I dared to wonder,
But the basket - it had gone.
Words were useless at that moment,
Then he raised his weary head,
To this day I remember clearly
And recall each word he said.
"she is not dead, just sleeping
In a world that's safe and free,
I take comfort from the knowledge
She'll be waiting there for me.
She and I we share a friendship,
And a trust no one could bend:
We confided in each other
As one does an only friend.
From now on I may be lonely
But I'll never be alone,
For in spirit she'll be with me
Until the day she calls me home."
That was many years ago now
But those words I still recall
Every time a dear friend leaves me,
For they truly say it all

Author::: Janet Chambers.

Barney - 1 year on I still miss you my darling cat...

Sad news..

Sadly I am writing this post with a heavy heart as I haven't felt up to telling anyone 'till now... The expected addition to the family that we were due to get in February/March of next year sadly is not going to happen.

Just over a week ago the spotting I was getting unfortunately turned into a lot more than that even with resting as told by the dr..

Anyway the upshot of this is, after a lengthy discussion with D and a few heated words, I am now awaiting a date to go into hospital where I will be sterilised

everyone for bearing with me while I was going through this even though no-one knew what had happened, but I was rather up and down in my posting and keeping this blog uptodate..

And to the reader from Barnsley, feel free to ring up the local hospitals and my dr's which I know you won't hesitate to do when you read this, especially as you have been known to do this in the past, but unfortunately you won't get any information from them about this from them.

Happy news ...

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while but to tell you the truth I haven't had anything to blog about that is interesting..lol I know sad isn't it..lol

But now on to the good news:

I am aquiring two new additions to Chez Bear's -

When I was travelling to and fro to J's the both of us aquired a little cat called Amy and a lovely border collie cross called Jet, to keep him company while I wasn't there, but unfortunately when we split up they stayed with J. We did have another cat called Sandy, but he was a bit of a free spirit and took off on his travels and never came home the month that J and I split up. But Amy and Jet stayed with J because he was attached to them so much and them to him. Well now he is moving on and in fact moving out the country he has sked me if I want them both. So obviously I agreed without hesitation, okay I did have to ask D and obviously he wasn't at all happy. Especially because of where the animals have come from..so in some respect I can't really blame him but he can't take it out on the animals. Anyway he agreed quite happily to Amy, but I did have to work on him to let Jet live with us. Thankfully he agreed, but not without some tears on my part. So now Chez Bear's will now become Chez Zoo come October..

Jet

Amy

Shhh....

We are all sleeping at Chez Bear's.. How come no-one warned me I would be so tired.. I have never known such sleepiness..lol.

My mood ~~~

Ramblings..

Not a lot going on at Chez Bear's (which is what my home shall henceforth be known as..) We've had a death and a surprise in the family, all in the space of a week.

Sadly D's last living Uncle passed away on Saturday from cancer, although I am convinced he just gave up on life when he lost his wife (Aunt Rose) two years ago. We won't be going to the funeral though, that was a joint decision between me and D and his parents, mainly because its too far away for them to get to and D won't be able to get time off work. Uncle Dick wouldn't have minded, he would have known that we would still be remembering him in our own way though.. So now, unfortunately, there are only Aunties left in D's family, the Uncles have all departed, weird when you think about it..

A bit of good news, my washine machine that was having hissy fits on me which resulted in me having to "babysit the hose" everytime it went to do a rinse and spin - it suddenly stopped having the tantrums and is now back to working normally. All because it had a piece of fluff stuck in the outlet pipe somewhere - it coughed this up during a wash and was as right as rain afterwards. I shall never understand electrical things, they have a mind of their own.

The weather hasn't improved much - if anything it has got more humid. It was supposed to be cooling down by a couple of degrees - yep it did that but then the humidity index shot up. Great!! I am spending every day now encamped in front of the air conditioning unit in the living room and hardly moving at all...lol. Hey a bit of good news on the a/c front..the unit that I blew up now works. Yep another electrical gadget that has hissy fits.. I do not understand these things, I am sure they are sent from a higher place to test me.. What is it with electricity and heat..does it not agree? Aren't a/c units supposed to be used to cool places down or is that just a myth..

The surprise at Chez Bear's didn't go down at all well with one male member of the household, especially when a trip was made to porcelain goddess while I was eating my dinner last night... So that has sort of dampened the spirits here somewhat. Suffice to say my birthday next year (Feb 11th) will be something we won't forget in a hurry, and its not because I am turning 39..lol Its weird because last night I remembered my tarot reading from over over 2 years ago, that I had while I was in Chester with J. So far everything she had told me had come true, but there was still one thing that hadn't added up and which I had dismissed entirely as pure speculation on her part.. But if all goes to plan then this will be the last thing that should come true..

My mood ~~~~ and

Someone shoot the sun for me..

Please!! Take it out the sky and dont let it come back for at least a year.. No seriously, I am absolutely shattered in this heat, it is really starting to get to me now. My garden is registering a temperature of 50 deg, which is a staggering 122 deg farenheight..ack is that even a normal temperature.. Apparently Kent has been registering temperatures of 34 deg 93.2, and tomorrow they are now forecasting a record temperature of 37 deg 98.6. Heck I have never seen temperatures like this before, I mean this is England - we dont get temps like this. We are well known for our rain, or lack of it now..

I have both air conditioners running downstairs in the lounge now, and it is doing nothing. I am going to have to take one of these units into the kitchen later though, as there is no way I am going to be doing the cooking without one of them blowing around. And a fan is absolutely useless - might as well just switch the oven on and leave the door open..

I am hoping that the weather forecasters are correct and by Thursday the storms are going to come in and it is going to get cooler. It has to, doesnt it..

The weekend and the weather..

Not a lot really has been going on here at Chez Natty's, but we did have a flurry of activity on Saturday..lol. Ok it wasnt a lot of activity but for me it was quite an achievement. You see we went to the Kent County Show at Detling this year, and I had a glorious time. The weather was not as unbearable as the previous few days, which was a blessing in disguise. There was a really nice breeze blowing across the showground, which was lovely. I must admit if it hadn't been breezy the heat would have been totally unbearable, and I know we would have had to come straight home.

We spent over 4 hours walking around the different attractions going back and forwards to different stalls etc.. They European wolves were there again, but I wasnt brave enough to go in the cage and pet them, although they did look very docile. I wished I had done this, but maybe next year - I will also remember to take the camera next year so I can get more pictures of them, as stupid me forgot the camera and didnt realise 'till we were halfway there and D didnt want to turn around..

I can truthfully say I didn't spend as much money as I anticipated, infact I even came home with half of it, which is an achievement for me. I did try and get D to buy me a couple of things but he was hanging onto his wallet for grim death, like he normally does.. Although saying that we did manage to come home with plenty of food that we brought at different stalls..- duck with apricot and ginger sausages, two fruit pies (blueberry and apple and a black cherry one). We had also discovered the duck stall was selling duck pasties and cold duck pannini's so guess what we had for dinner..lol And they were delicious..

The highlight of the day I think, for me, was this fantastic Cyberstein robot. The only way I can describe it is as an 8ft grey robot that is totally self sufficient, a robot with a brain I suppose. It gave the impression that it was doing things on its own, but in actual fact there is someone in the robot. How they actually manipulate this robot is a mystery but believe me its a great attraction. People that were in the front row around this robot were being serenaded, and the robot was dancing around. It was fantastic, I just wished I had taken some photos. Although I have managed to find a photo online:



Sunday was a "rest" day as unfortunately Saturday had completely wiped me out physically and mentally, so I spent most of the day doing nothing and watching t.v. or snoozing on the sofa. It was even too hot to do any stitching which is a rarity. Although at the moment with our weather we are having this week moving about is an effort as its way too hot. They are forecasting 35 deg by Wednesday, and then thankfully its going to break on Thursday/Friday when we finally get back to normal temperatures of 25 deg.. I think even the animals are starting to feel it as Bear doesnt actually move much from his chair. The only movement he does is get off and have a drink then get back on and go to sleep.. The cats are just asleep upstairs in the cool all day then they go out and play in the garden when is has cooled down a bit at night.

My mood ~~~

Ooooh nifty Haloscan..

Oooh I was just commenting on a couple of blogs and I noticed that Haloscan has a new feature. You can upload little piccies when you comment - nifty!! That means you can now include your own smilies if you want too.

Now why didnt they tell me this..lol

Stairway to nowhere..

Well the carpet man has just been, and we now have a light beige carpet up the stairs, along the hall and in the bathroom and toilet. I am amazed at how much it actually lightens up what is normally a very dark stairwell..

click to enlarge

A rose by any other name..

This is the rose that we planted for Nan and N and it is called In Loving Memory. As you can see it has bloomed, and it is looking really lovely. Its only a baby rose at the moment, but it has several buds already. It also has the most gorgeous smell, that you can smell while standing above it.. Here are some photos that I took about half an hour ago:

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

I'm going back to school..

Yep, I am going back to college after being away from eduction for 20 years.. Oooh scarey!!

I have signed up for a course at my local college - Belly Dancing..eeks!! I think I must have been mad when I was doing this. Actually I blame a programme I watched on t.v. before I went to the Dr's this afternoon, and it was all about this woman that took up belly dancing after her husband had lost interest in her.

Anyway next thing I knew I had signed up and paid for the course while I was out.. So that will be something to tell my therapist when I see her next - as of September I toddle off to college one day a week for 15 weeks for a couple of hours. Well its a way of getting fit and toning up my body, and funnily enough D was very enthusiastic about it when I told him tonight.

I've also been looking at a couple of other courses to do at the beginning of next year..

Wow I really cant believe I have actually done this - a few months ago you wouldnt have got me even thinking about this. How things have moved on..

*thinking to myself why did I have my nails done today too, I can't type..lol

Lest we forget 7/7/05

Today a year ago 52 people died and several hundred injured in the horrific bomb explosions in London.

MAY WE NEVER FORGET THOSE THAT DIED

A pondering thought..

When my cat Barney died on 18 August 2005 and we got Ollie on 29 September 2005, I did not realize it at the time but that was the start of my life taking a turn for the better. Its hard to explain but in Barney passing she took all the negativity and badness in my life away with her. As though she knew it was the right time for me to finally awaken from a long sleep. I suppose you could always say her job was done, and in passing away she took this all with her. And she gave me Ollie, because in so many ways he has her traits, almost as if he has her soul. He is my little shadow and for a cat that has only been with me for just under a year is so in tune with my feelings.. I suppose I would say that Barney was my guardian angel and when she died she passed the "job" over to Ollie.

The reason I am thinking all of this is because my life has slowly started to lose the negativity that was keeping me from moving forward. And it only really started to do this upon Barneys' passing. When I am not sure of what to do, or how I feel, Ollie seems to always be there - If I am sad he appears from nowhere and stays with me until I can actually see with clarity.

It was as though a light had been switched on finally.

So I really do think that when I buried my Barney, my past and past feelings/negative life was buried with her.

I have finally had the courage to face up to so much this past year that previously would have sent me spiralling downwards. I have faced up to the fact that my mother is not a good influence in my life and never will be, so have consciously "cut" myself off from her. I have finally accepted closure with my relationship from J. I have accepted that what we had was never meant to be,unless circumstances were different, but without going through the last 6 years, with and without him in my life, I wouldn't be where I am now. I have learnt so much from this past relationship, I have realised that I am capable of loving and being loved.

I am finally settled in my marriage - I'm in a place that I have been trying so hard to find that it was there all the time, I just never realised.

I've accepted that I cannot change the past, but the past is just that. It can no longer hurt me and I wont let it hurt me anymore. I am stronger than that.

Also with my Nan and N dying it was as though the final links with my past had gone. I was no longer being held back. I am allowing myself to grieve for my past and those close to me that have died. I've made peace in my mind with everything that was dragging me down, and in doing this I can finally get past all this.

I know the depression and bipolar will never go away but I have learnt to accept this and finally know my limitations. To not get too downhearted when I am going through a down episode, I will get through it, and to stop pushing against it.

I have rediscovered an old friendship, which I thought I had lost or thought I no longer needed in my life. But no, this has returned but the friendship is different. I am more in control, I am no longer needy and with this has come a totally different level, a much more comfortable friendship and one that will be around forever.

I have also gained new friendships that I would never have known.

In so many ways my life has changed for the better since I have accepted I cannot change what was. I realize I had to go through all the pain and heartache of the past 30 odd years to get where I am now. And this final peace of the jigsaw was put into place when Barney died and I allowed Ollie into my life.

This may sound really off the wall and totally wacko, but this is how it feels. All my hurt and pain from my past life, my childhood abuse, me feelings of failure and worthlessness, the lack of love in my marriage, constantly hurting myself with negative friendships and my failure at not being able to love J totally, to find my soulmate in J only to lose him, the loss of my babies - of never being able to hold my own child in my arms, or constantly looking for something I couldn't find or know what I wanted - this has all gone.

It's been a slow and gradual process and I really do feel its been happening since Barney passed on. She took all this with her.

I now feel like a weight has been lifted and I am finally free to move forward. I know things are going to knock me but I also know that I am capable of overcoming this - I can no longer be dragged down. I can finally enjoy life and living !!!!!!!

Hopefully now this works..

Well after taking me all morning to sort this out, I think I finally have it tweaked to how I want.

Thank you to Barbara and Manic for the comments.. Manic, hopefully you dont have to scroll from left to right to read the blog posts now

My mood ~~~ and