Meme...

I shamelessly "borrowed" this meme from The Negligent Mommy

Two Names You Go by:

• Natty
• Oggy

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:

• T-shirt
• Chocolate - I was making brownies and the chocolate spilt down my top while I was licking the bowl..

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:

• Love
• Respect

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:

• Reading
• Sleeping

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:

• To be able to talk to my mum and tell her I love her and miss her so very much
• To be able to say no more often

Two people who will fill this out:

• I have no idea..

Two things you did last night:

• Watched Big Brother on t.v.
• Played on the internet

Two things you ate yesterday:

• Slice of apple pie
• Marinated Chicken

Two people you Last Talked To:

• D (my DH)
• H (my neighbour)

Things You're doing this week/weekend:

• Going to the cemetary (it's mum's birthday on Saturday and I want to put flowers there)
• Going to the annual County Show

Two longest car rides:

• Gretna, Scotland
• Cornwall

Two Favorite Holidays:

• Yule
• Samhain (Halloween)

If you borrow this for your blog then let me know in comments so I can be nosey..

Councils and British Weather..

Yep I know not a very exciting title but for the life of me I couldn't think of anything witty so stuck with the obvious..lol

Firstly can I say thank you to those that have left me personal comments to my previous post, they are truly appreciated.

And now on to the post.. Well first of all our stupid council couldn't organise a p** up in a brewery if they tried. They have been making noises for several months now about issuing everyone with separate recyling bins, and talking about a fortnightly rubbish collection. Well guess what they have finally got around to it. But it hasn't gone smoothly, nope this one has not been thought out very properly at all.

So anyway last week we have had our gorgeous (not) blue wheely bins delivered so we can happily recyle everything. We had instructions in it as to what we can and what we cannot recycle - blimey that is a military operation in itself. Now preparing dinner, washing up or even opening up a bag now takes twice as long as you mentally think "can I recycle it or is it binnable?" So off you trot to consult the sheet of paper that came around with the bins, that you have dutifuly pinned to the kitchen notice board, and then you have to wash the damn recyclable thing before you throw it away.

Anyway we thought that this weekend was going to be "blue bin" day as we have nicknamed it on our street, and this is also what it says on our lovely little calender sheet that the council have delivered with the bins. Oh no, it turns out that it isn't "blue bin" day. Nope according to the council we should have all had letters telling us that the official recycling day is in three weeks time.. Now where is this letter I can hear you asking, well gods knows. I am sure it is probably still sitting in some secretarys' intray waiting to be typed. Oh and the good bit is not everyone knows this little snippet..I only found out because I rang a friend up the road earlier and she told me. So I have been wandering around the road letting those that are at home know to put their green bin out. It should be interesting tomorrow morning, we will end up with a multi-coloured road of blue and green bins out by the side of the road.

And what is it with this blooming british weather we are having.? One day it is freezing cold, blowing a gale and hail stones the size of golf balls coming out of the sky, the next the winds are blowing and there is lightening and thunder and then the following day it is scorching hot with a blue sky.. Earlier today I was sitting indoors with a jumper and jeans on and all the doors and windows shut because it was blowing a gale and cold, and now this evening I have every window and door open, the fan on and the blinds down on the windows facing the back garden because it is scorching..Oh and the jumper and jeans have been discarded for a summer top and skirt.. I wouldn't mind but you can't really serve up stew and dumplings in a heatwave can you?..

Oh well that's life I suppose.. Oh how I wish we had seasons again not winter straight into summer like we are having nowadays. Ack that is making me sound old..lol

Depression ..

For anyone that doesn't know I suffer from clinical depression and also bipolar.

Now these two conditions can be very debilitating as other sufferers know, but I think to those that aren't aware of what it can be like they tend to see it as someone is just having a bad day, we all have bad days so why can't she pull herself together. You know how I wish it could be shrugged off as having a bad day, but to me when the "black dog" hits it can end up being a bad day, week or even several weeks. It's hard to explain but you don't want to do things, you don't do your normal activities. Things that you used to enjoy just don't hold that enjoyment for you anymore. You know that it will all come back eventually but for some reason you try and con yourself and others that it is there and hasn't gone away. You commit yourself to things, in and outside of the your comfort zone, in the hope that it will kick you back into gear. You don't have a cut off point where you are able to say "no more". Then you feel really bad because you just can't do this. You feel that you have let yourself down and let others down.

This is when the paranoia sets in, you then convince yourself that everyone thinks you are a bad person. Someone who doesn't fulfill what she has committed herself too. You even feel that about yourself, this is when you start to blame yourself. Now this can manifest itself in two ways, you either end up self harming yourself or you shut yourself away from everyone and only have contact with those closest to you. These people know you inside out and would never judge you, and know that eventually you will get yourself back on track and know it will take time but it will happen. These are the people that hold you up, they are in fact the bouys in the deep sea that you are floundering around in just trying to hold yourself up above the water.

Because of this paranoia you are unable to face up to things, this is why you hide away. Like the "ostrich in the sand" syndrome, we often think that if we hide ourselves away it will indeed disappear. But unfortunately it doesn't and sometimes our hiding ourselves away it can indeed make a situation worse. Then the paranoia really takes a life of its own, you are controlled by this paranoia. This is when you start thinking those closest to you are now thinking you are indeed a bad person. The "black dog" really doesn't want to be put to bed until the next time. No he wants to be around and the more you pet this "dog" the more the paranoia maintains a strong hold on you.

Then after a time of letting the "black dog" take control it decides it has had enough. It wants to be "put to bed" until the next time. This is when you finally start to surface, I suppose you would call it, from the paranoia. You can control the paranoia, say no to the "black dog" and finally stop floundering around.

But the damage has been done, people still have their perception of you that they formed while you were being controlled by the "black dog" and paranoia. And no matter how much you try this "black dog" still has some form of control and will keep tapping away until it has full control and you end up going through the same thing over again.

The paranoia will always be there as will the "black dog", and neither will be happy until they have complete control and have destroyed whatever you are clinging to just to get through each day. You just get better at hiding it from others....

I'm finally back..

Life at Chez Bears is now returning back to some normality finally, and the tumbleweed is now starting to blow away..lol

Thank you for bearing with me everyone, and the little nudges in the right directions from some.

Well we seem to be on a spending phase at the moment which isn't a bad thing for me, especially as I like spending someone elses money..



The new double glazed windows have been ordered and they are going to be done at the end of June while D is on holiday from work. All that needs doing when they are done is the front of the house needs to be repainted and the wee fence at the front painted too.

We are also redesigning our garden too this year, one half of it is going to be part lawn and a veggie patch, and t'other half is going to be semi mediteranean with gravel and drought resistant plants. We are getting new patio furniture too, and D has got two new sheds which he can put all his bits and bobs in that are cluttering p the patio at the moment. The patio is looking like a flower display at the moment as I have all the plants and seedlings on there. Mainly because I have nowhere else to put them..

We went to a our local garden show this weekend and brought some more specific type plants for the garden. I wanted to get a rose bush to remember mum by, and found this beautiful rose bush called "Remember Me"





Also I got a rose called "Twice in a Blue Moon" which mum absolutely adored when she was alive.



I also managed to get a couple of other plants for the garden too which I was pleased about.

And then yesterday the washing machine died on me. Well I say died, it hung on for grim death but I had to put it out of its misery. We had soap suds everywhere, and the programmer thingy had died too. Still it meant the floor in the kitchen had a good wash.. Anyway poor D had to dig deep for his credit card and we ended up ordering a washing machine online. But at least I got the one I wanted and I didn't get any arguement either..so that was an added bonus.

While I have been absent from here I have been catching up with my exchanges, which unfortunately I had got behind on. But I can say now that they are going into the post this week and will be with their respective partners very soon. Now I can breathe a very large sigh of relief and make a start on D's mum and dads Golden Wedding anniversary present.

Now back to the stitching..

Normality..

Pushing my way through the tumbleweeds, and the cobwebs taking root in every corner this is just a post to say that life at Chez Bear's blog will return to normality soon.

The usual ramblings about life will be blogged about...

Tarot reading..

How you feel about yourself now (The Lovers)

You want love or a new love in your life and a new relationship is in the offering. Even if you are not thinking about love, you’re in for a surprise. If faced with a choice this is an important one and could affect the rest of your life.

What you most want at this moment (Temperance)

The cards suggest Natty, that what you most want at this time is some peace and harmony, a sense of control and to feel that life is flowing again. Perhaps you have been, or still are, going through some tough times regarding a relationship, financial worries or some other kind of loss. Take heart that peace will be restored - this is a time for you to be calm and patient and life will soon have a sense of normality again.

Your fears (The Tower)

You are afraid your world is falling apart, you're experiencing sudden changes and disruption and you don’t quite know what to do. Perhaps subconsciously you’ve wanted a solution to an issue but didn’t quite expect things to have turned out as they have. Use this change as an opportunity for a new beginning. If you have been planning to move home you will be experiencing setbacks.

What is going for you (Judgement)

Brand new potential, an opportunity which once given must not be ignored, a new project, decision or relationship that could affect the rest of your life. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

What is going against you (The Magician)

Someone, most likely male, isn’t quite what they seem. Trickery and deception cleverly disguised as charm and friendliness, so be sure that this person really does have your best interests at heart. If someone who you feel wary of is presenting you with a business opportunity, be cautious and trust your instincts.

Outcome (The Hermit)

This is a time for you to be alone or may herald a time of loneliness. Take this time for quiet introspection and rest. Don’t worry you will find the answers, but the Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions. If you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

Tarot online..

How true is this horoscope for today..

Having to talk about your emotions is enough to make you want to retreat, but avoiding issues today just won't work. Old hurts can drag back memories that you believed were already gone. Now you realize how hard it is to let go, and these feelings can get in the way of the present situation. Be fearless; brush up against your edge of discomfort. It is there that you can discover your emotional center.

Friday, April 27, 2007 more from tarot.com

OMG I am behind..

Oh b****** I have just checked my list for when my exchanges have to go out and I am now up the creek without a paddle..eek!!

My House with a Landscape Needlework exchange piece was supposed to be out on the 16th of this month - what the heck happened. Gods know what I was thinking of and what date I was thinking of. Oooh b*******. I think someone is going to have to get her act together VERY quickly and invest in some smoking needles... But first I think emails to the organiser and recipient of this exchange deserve emails from me. I think they might be wondering what has happened to the exchange piece from me. All I can say is I AM SO SORRY!!!

At least the other one that is due at the end of the month is almost done. That one is going to be able to go out on time..

Samplers..

Small post to say my wishlist has been updated :-)

I won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok nothing major..definately not the lottery.. :-) Nope it was the winning horse on the Grand National today. The atmosphere at Chez Bear's while the four horses were coming in to the win was electric. And then when Silver Birch ran over the winning post I literally jumped out me seat shouting the house down. :-)

Let's hope Silver Birch has the same run as Red Rum did - I picked him when I was a wee lassie and it was his first Grand National just like Silver Birch's first National this year.

D's horse came in about 6th..lol

Just to pass the time.. (graphic intensive)

I got these most gorgeous pics from a yahoo group I belong to and I thought they were so irresistable that I wanted to share.. I have no idea who they are but I want them all.. lol

Sun is shining, birds are singing and I had a horrible meeting..

Sorry couldn't think of anything else to go in the title..

Have just come back with a good half hour's session with my psychiatrist - ugh!! Finally I have a permanent psychiatrist who I will be seeing on a regular basis so can build up my trust issues at long last.

The session was not very good I am afraid, there was quite a lot of talk of hospital admission which I was very anti. You are going to have to drag me back there kicking and screaming if he wants me to go back. We have come to a compromise - he has increased my medication again and has given me three months to see if my therapy comes through in that time. If it doesn't then he is going to have review the situation.

Basically the upshot of the session was that I am very close to where I was 13 years ago when I was admitted to the psychiatric ward for my own safety and health.

The bipolar has also reared it's ugly head again, which we thought we had got under control before, which is why he has doubled the dosage of that medication - he wants to get on top of the extreme low that I have hit.

I also got a good talking too for "putting on my mask" What else am I supposed to do, not everyone wants to see me when I am "down" so I hide it. Although it does give the impression that I am doing really well.

So basically I am not going to do anything today. Can't even ring D as he is off seeing a client in Stevenage for the day and is uncontactable. Typical when I need him he isn't around.. :-(

I shall probably go quiet on here and in my stitching communities while I am just adjusting to the increase in meds as well as just generally getting myself back together again, but normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. Plus think of all that stitching I will be doing.. :-)

Ok now I have rambled on I am going to settle down with a cup of tea and try and watch a film on Channel 5 that has just come on.

"I'm Free"

The most famous saying from an actor, and especially an actor I grew up watching on t.v.

John Inman who was most known for playing Mr Humphries in "Are You Being Served" has sadly passed away today, aged 71.

Source - John Inman

Fancy nails..

On Friday I went out with my friend A to Dartford for the day to have my nails professionally done. Not a major achievement for some people but one for me, especially as I have a fear of going out to crowded places and new areas, and with someone that isn't a close friend or family.

We had a great time and I treated myself to a new handbag as well as having my nails done. I loved them although I find it hard to type and do various things, like stitching, with them but I will get used to them eventually..

*Photo's clickable*

Some good news finally...

DH came home the other day with some fantastic news. He has got promotion at his bank. He has finally got the recognition that he deserves after nearly 30 years at HSBC bank.

D is going to be a Corporate Account Manager and gets all the perks that come with it too, like payrise, a Blackberry (no I don't mean the fruit kind either..), executive business lunches etc.. I won't recognise my DH after a few weeks. Although he was bouncing around like Tigger when he came home with the good news. I was so pleased for him, he has worked so hard for the bank and never got any thanks so to speak for all his work he does. And now it has all paid off..

Maybe now things are starting to look up and this is the start of a new life for both of us.

Car update..

Aaaah the car cost me just under £90.00 to get MOT'd and two new windscreen wipers fitted because she failed the original MOT yesterday. I tell you that's the most expensive windscreen wipers I have ever bought..lol

Still she's now legal for another year and has a years car tax on her too. And bless D he paid for the car tax and the difference between the MOT price and repairs needed. Well basically he didn't really have much choice as I didn't have that much money to pay both..lol Although he had already said he would pay my car tax for me before the MOT, but then the repairs came in and I couldn't afford them so it was left to him. He's a good old soul really, bless him. He does see me well and even if it costs him he wants me to keep my car on the road. Not that I use her much, about once a fortnight to go to Asda now and again..

Also took the dogs for the walk to the garage to pick the car up. Wow that was a long walk, its about a mile and half. So imagine it two bouncy dogs and me in high heels .. it made a picture to see..lol And Jet actually behaved himself around other people, he only did his usual growl greeting - no snarling or anything from him. I do think he might be improving, slowly but surely.

Ack its 10.30am..(ish!)

And guess who hasn't had a shower or anything yet..oops

My car has to go for its annual MOT at noon and I am nowhere near ready yet. I wanted to go to the library, pick up a prescription for D and also go to Asda BEFORE I took the car into the garage. Think it will be a hurried visit to the library as I need some new books and I want to read while I am waiting for the car.

Talking of D..guess who left all their credit cards at home today..hehehe. Well actually it was my fault as I had been in his jacket checking the number on his credit card for the online postage I was ordering last night, and somehow or other the wallet they were in didn't go back into his jacket pocket, it slipped down into the wardroble. Ooops, so guess who wasn't popular when I get a call from D to say he had no cards to get any money out.. Plus he had already had a horrendous 3 hour journey into work due to a major accident on the M20 which caused chaos on all the surrounding roads..

And on another bit of news, I received my redwork exchange from the SBBEB board. All I will say is wow... I love it.. Thank you so much Barbara, and thank you for the little P.I.F. gift too. You know me so well..

Piccies to follow in another post, I must go and get showered and get to the library.

Move over rubber ducks ..

Meet fluffy teddies..

My dog Jet has a new slant on the old rubber duck for when you are in the bath.. This is what he decided to put in the bath...



And this is poor Jet looking at the fluffy teddy..



Wonder if there is a market for them..lol

Not a lot to say..

Things have been a bit quiet here for me lately, mainly because I haven't really been doing a lot, well apart from sleeping and watching t.v.

Sorry if it's a bit dull at the moment in the life of Chez Bear's, normal service will resume shortly. I do have some receipes and piccies to post - I have tried a couple of new receipes out and they have turned out really well so I thought I would share them. I've also been finishing a couple of outstanding exchanges but unfortunately I cannot share them as they haven't been received yet, but as soon as they are I will share the pictures.

So until normal service is resumed I just want to say thank you to everyone that has left comments recently, they do mean so much to me.

Barbara (mainleystitching) I will pop a letter in the post to you later this week

Divorcing duvet...

Before I go any further with this post, a warning - this is not a pity me post but it could be construed as one, so I want to apologise if anyone feels that this is what the post is about... I just need to put it down.

Afraid I have only just woken up after having absolutely no sleep last night. I basically sat downstairs all evening, wide awake, watching all the programmes that I had Tivo'd until D got up at 5am for work. I also spent a good three hours stitching on one of my projects and I am paying dearly for it at the moment with a pounding headache.

Anyway I went to bed at 6am and promptly fell fast asleep until about half an hour ago, 3.00pm, when I got up and staggered downstairs and promtly drank two cups of tea one after t'other.

I am basically going to write today off as a very bad day and a complete no-no with regards to flying.

Yesterday was a bad day, this then led to me and D having a horrendous row yesterday which left me shaken. We basically slung insults at each other and he hit the nail on the head when he said he had noticed that I had slipped back into my old ways again, when I was heading for my breakdown. I am burying myself in everything except my own life, if you see what I mean. I am snapping at him, have taken no interest then when I do I get manic over it. He also said that he had noticed I was on automatic pilot when it came to the house and cooking etc.. Trouble is no-one else really sees this as I have got very good at putting on that "face" that I had all those years ago when I had my breakdown, and poor D is the only one that seems to be able to break through this "face". And yes we do know what has sent me spiralling downhill big time - it was Mum's death. It has taken its toll on me harder than I ever imagined it would. Trouble is I can't explain why because of our turbulous relationship over the years.

It also doesn't help that my psychiatrist appointment keeps getting changed for various reasons and I haven't seen them properly for a while now. My medication isn't working so we need to look at another form of medication. I have also had to get my Dr to renew my prescription for my sleeping tablets as I am not sleeping properly again. That is a major factor in my depression and I am hoping once I can get that sorted out again I will start to head upwards. The other thing is I am having to wait for my next round of councelling - I could go private but at the moment it is not an option to consider. I know the mental health team here from my last round of councelling and would like to stay with them if I could. Trouble is it will take a long time and as I know from the last round it will get worse before it gets better.

There are things that I need to tackle in the house and the trouble is until I do this I can't move forward, but it is also these things that are making me avoid the issues. Its like a viscious circle :-(

Anyway I am off to shower and do the washing up.

Thankyou for reading this if you have got this far and haven't been driven to sleep..lol