Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Afternoon everyone :-)

Hope everyone is doing okay sadly I cannot say the same about myself. For some reason I am refusing to "divorce my duvet", we've had such a "close relationship" for years its rather like a comfy pair of slippers..lol

Trouble is on the surface everyone thinks I am doing okay, D thinks I am plodding along happily doing what I am doing and looking forward to the holiday next week, the neighbours think I am "superwoman" keeping the house clean and tidy and befriending a neigbour in need. And my friends think I am being really great sailing through the end of the therapy and putting the depression behind me.

Sadly I think this isnt the case.. It's an effort to get myself out of bed and dressed at the moment. I have taken to hibernating and only going out with D, to the neighbour over the road and basically only places where I can see my car after I have parked it. I know this is stupid and isn't me, but I am getting complacent with my own company again..

My therapy is due to finish for good next month and I am terrified about this. I am basically being left to my own devices..

I'm back on the pill and it seems to be playing havoc with my hormones. My skin is looking awful, the weight I had shifted is creeping back on with this damn pill..(ok its not a lot for some but to me its a heck of a step backwards - back to 12 1/2 stone instead of 12 stone..:-( )

I told D about the debt that I had run up and he was great about it, BUT he won't pay it off, he has said its my fault and I have to learn by my own consequences. What he has said he will do is that I am showing that I am paying it each month, he will help me out with my spending money for the month as he knows it will leave me short. So I have spoken to the Debt people and have got them to agree to £5.00 a month without it going to court. They emailed me back and said they were happy for that..so that is a weight lifted off me.

I've been dipping in and out of my groups and not really putting anything into them at the moment. I put the odd post up all happy and cheery and then I disappear for a while. I am going through the isolated stage again, even though I have befriended a neighbour opposite, but she is depressed and basically it is an effort to stay in control of my own feelings when I see her. So because of this I cannot see her that often.

I was interested in reading about someone's befriending system with MIND and her meetings with them - I have looked up MIND here and our nearest one is Maidstone and its a bit of a trek to go to, but apart from that I don't know what else to do. I was even thinking of offering to be a "friend" to this person as I can see so much of myself in her but then I thought nope she won't want me around etc..besides she already has her own friends..etc etc..

As you can see I am feeling totally deflated and believe me my duvet is really looking inviting..lol

The house needs tidying up, the carpets need major hoovering and I really can't face it - daft I know especially as I know it wont take me long. I had all these plans that the house would be clean and tidy for the lady that comes and looks after the cats while we are away, and that it would be lovely and clean when we got back.

I am dreading the 24th of this month, as this is the day my ex is coming with my dog Jet and Amy my cat, and this has stirred up a lot of feelings. I know it will be painful but it has to be done basically if I want the dog and cat. I am also having doubts how D will be with Jet - I want him to love it as his own, like he does Bear but he says he cant..that is tearing me up.

If I could wish everything away then I would willingly, or hibernate forever and a day..

Thankyou for letting me ramble on and if you have got this far I think you deserve pats on the back.. :-)
Flying towards my dreams @1:46 pm

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