From the heart......
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
How can your life be so turned upside down by the one person in the whole world you thought you could trust? I don't mean a husband/wife or partner - no by this I mean the woman that gave birth to you. The woman that would die for her child rather than anything bad befall her child. Yes I mean a mother!!!
A mother's love is supposed to be all consuming or so we are all led to believe aren't we? Then why are there those that think it's okay to destroy her childs life.? To undermine that love, the love a child craves from her mother. All she asks for is the gentle hug, someone to smooth away the fears or kiss the pain away.
For this child craves the love of her mother, love that is not forthcoming. The mother doesn't know how to love the child. She sees her as just someone she gave birth to all those years ago.
You see in the mothers eyes this child destroyed her. For all the childs life she was resented. Blamed for taking away the womans life, blamed for being born. When this child was born the mother nearly died and therefore mother and baby never bonded. After a week when the child was eventually placed with the mother the rush of love never came, instead all the woman felt was loathing and hate. And this hate got stronger and stronger all through the childs life. Oh no don't get me wrong the woman never showed the child this while she was young, no it slowly ate away at the woman like a disease. Slowly chipping away and knocking the defences down until it consumed the woman and this is all she knows.
Growing up the child is constantly trying to get the woman to love her. She does funny things, draws pictures at school, picks wild flowers and seashells to give the woman.
As the child grows up the woman gradually draws away from her. The distance between them gets further and further. All the time the child craves the womans love.
Then something happens to give the child hope. The woman marries, and for a while the child feels loved. Life is happy. She has a mom and finally a father who love her. Oh how her world would be shattered, but the child doesn't know this. She was oblivious to what was happening to her mother. After a few years the chipping started again. The woman would blame the child for everything. The woman was unable to have anymore children after the child had been born and this started to fester away. The woman would tell the child it was her fault, if she hadn't been born the woman would've had a different life. The resentment started to grow towards the child. She was blamed for the womans marriage breaking up.
Then the girl had to grow up, the mother fell ill and became dependant on the girl. The girl had to become the parent and nurse the woman through her illness. The girl was secretly pleased, she finally felt that she was wanted, she thought her mother needed her. But two things happened that would totally change the life of the girl. One was that she was harbouring a secret she couldn't tell her mother because she blamed herself. Through the years of the womans resentment the girl had begun to believe that she was worthless and so she thought that what had happened was her fault. You see the girl had become a victim of abuse from her stepfather. The girl knew nothing, she thought this was normal and in her eyes someone was finally showing her some affection. How was the girl to know this was wrong, she did everything she was told and she was still only a child. Thankfully the abuse stopped when her stepfather left. But it was a secret she had to keep to herself, only to tell her mother years later. But still the girl had those feelings of worthless. The woman made no effort to show her that her stepfather was wrong, instead she put all the blame on the girl.
The other thing that changed was the woman really started to resent the girl. In the womans eyes the girl could do no right. She was taunted that the woman didn't want her when she had been born and nobody would ever want the girl. The girl was continually told she was worthless and through time she started to believe this. Yet strangely through all this the girl loved her mum. She couldn't stop loving her but she did wonder why her mum never showed it back. The girl was always questioning what she had done wrong, why did her mum resent her so much.
Then life changed, the girls' world came down around her. The woman met someone, he made her happy and laugh. But the girl didn't like him so she did her best to be as unruly as she could. She would play up at school, stay out etc... What the girl didn't know was she was being a typical teenager. She would have got through it if the woman had shown her love. But no, the woman turned against the girl. In the womans eyes the girl wasn't her daughter, she became someone that would make her happy. The girl became a pawn in the womans' relationship. It was at this time that the girl withdrew from everything and everyone. She was in her own world where no-one could hurt her. She had created the perfect mother and she believed in this mother.
Oh how her world changed in the blink of an eye with the utterance of a few words and the actions of a delusional woman. The girl became the victim of abuse again, but this abuse was accepted by the woman. The woman became consumed with a desire to have a child and to her the girl was the answer. The girl lost her mother completely the day the woman and the woman's boyfriend raped her!!!
Yet why couldn't the girl let go, why did she cling onto the hope that the mother loved her. Because the girl had the unconditional love still that a child has for their parent. And she desperately wanted her mothers love. This is all she had been wanting all her childhood. Yet it was also this woman that destroyed the girls love for her mother.
You see there is no happy ending, no declaration of a mother's love for this girl.
The girl became a woman and made her own life without the woman beside her. She also screwed up her life and nearly screwed up her marriage to a good and kind man. Yet still the girl was missing something. She made herself ill because of it, something she may never recover from. The girl is constantly plaqued with feelings of deep depression which she has no control over because of the womans actions.
The girl has has to learn to love, to learn to let go of demons. To accept she had no control over what the woman did to her. To accept the woman was really ill all through the girls childhood. To accept she is a woman that hasnt' been broken down by her mother however hard she tried. She has to accept her husbands love, to accept friendships without their being an ulterior motive behind it. To accept that people want to be around her because she is just her!!
Now it is too late. The girl is alone, the woman has died.
The girl never got the chance to say how much she loved the woman one more time, in the hope it would stir some deep down feeling in the woman. The girl never got the chance to ask why???
As I said earlier there is no happy ending for the girl. But finally the love for her mother has been destroyed - or has it???
The girl has found out how much her mother hated or despised her. How much the woman never wanted her to be born.
Now the girl is grieving for the loss of her childhood and for a mother she never really knew. For the image of a mother that the girl had created in her mind, a mother that did love her. A mother that would protect her. She is also grieving for not being able to be a mother, to be a better mother than her own mother. That was taken away from the girl when she was raped.
This is my story - I am that girl!!
I have written this, not for pity or sympathy. Not to gain posts or comments, no I have written this post to help erase the negativity and to try and understand the woman that was my mother for 39 years.
Flying towards my dreams @3:24 pm