Thursday, July 05, 2007
For anyone that doesn't know I suffer from clinical depression and also bipolar.
Now these two conditions can be very debilitating as other sufferers know, but I think to those that aren't aware of what it can be like they tend to see it as someone is just having a bad day, we all have bad days so why can't she pull herself together. You know how I wish it could be shrugged off as having a bad day, but to me when the "black dog" hits it can end up being a bad day, week or even several weeks. It's hard to explain but you don't want to do things, you don't do your normal activities. Things that you used to enjoy just don't hold that enjoyment for you anymore. You know that it will all come back eventually but for some reason you try and con yourself and others that it is there and hasn't gone away. You commit yourself to things, in and outside of the your comfort zone, in the hope that it will kick you back into gear. You don't have a cut off point where you are able to say "no more". Then you feel really bad because you just can't do this. You feel that you have let yourself down and let others down.
This is when the paranoia sets in, you then convince yourself that everyone thinks you are a bad person. Someone who doesn't fulfill what she has committed herself too. You even feel that about yourself, this is when you start to blame yourself. Now this can manifest itself in two ways, you either end up self harming yourself or you shut yourself away from everyone and only have contact with those closest to you. These people know you inside out and would never judge you, and know that eventually you will get yourself back on track and know it will take time but it will happen. These are the people that hold you up, they are in fact the bouys in the deep sea that you are floundering around in just trying to hold yourself up above the water.
Because of this paranoia you are unable to face up to things, this is why you hide away. Like the "ostrich in the sand" syndrome, we often think that if we hide ourselves away it will indeed disappear. But unfortunately it doesn't and sometimes our hiding ourselves away it can indeed make a situation worse. Then the paranoia really takes a life of its own, you are controlled by this paranoia. This is when you start thinking those closest to you are now thinking you are indeed a bad person. The "black dog" really doesn't want to be put to bed until the next time. No he wants to be around and the more you pet this "dog" the more the paranoia maintains a strong hold on you.
Then after a time of letting the "black dog" take control it decides it has had enough. It wants to be "put to bed" until the next time. This is when you finally start to surface, I suppose you would call it, from the paranoia. You can control the paranoia, say no to the "black dog" and finally stop floundering around.
But the damage has been done, people still have their perception of you that they formed while you were being controlled by the "black dog" and paranoia. And no matter how much you try this "black dog" still has some form of control and will keep tapping away until it has full control and you end up going through the same thing over again.
The paranoia will always be there as will the "black dog", and neither will be happy until they have complete control and have destroyed whatever you are clinging to just to get through each day. You just get better at hiding it from others....
Flying towards my dreams @10:31 am