A wee update..
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
I haven't really been upto much lately. Kind of distanced myself from various things to try and get out of my "black dog". Anyway it seems to be working, and I am pleased to say that finally I think I might be getting somewhere. It has taken a long 12 years to get this far, and will probably be another couple of years before I can finally say I have beaten it. But at least now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
The good news is that I only have 4 more sessions of therapy left, after a year of seeing her. Then its back to the CPN every week and seeing how I manage then.
The next stage is to get myself back out and about and in places that I dont know on my own, without having a panic attack. So that finally me and Dave can actually start living again, without the poor lamb having to worry about me if we ever went out to a strange place, or having a visit or meeting cut short cos I want to go home due to having anxiety attacks. I've also got to try and get on public transport again so that I can meet Dave in London for shows and meals out.. Well I wont be too adventureous to start, thats not for a long time down the line.
We seem to have finally got my medication sorted out so we are hoping the BiPolar is being managed now, and the depression is easing. I have finally sorted out my finances and am actually on an even keel again, although I do know that I will be without actual "spending" money for about 18 months as I am paying towards my debts, but I know I can manage them okay now. That is a bit of the battle sorted out, which was making me majorly ill. As well as various other things..
I have finally started to allow myself to grieve my nana's death and N's death, and although it is hard I am coping just.
The other thing is I have finally admitted to myself that I can do it, but I have to accept my limitations and not force myself. Babysteps as my therapist has said all the time and its finally sinking in. As I tackle or deal with one thing and that is put to bed so to speak I can allow myself to tackle something else.
Its been a very long hard struggle, and with 3 breakdowns in over 12 years I am at last seeing the light. Life is starting to look better for me than it has ever done. Although I will still get my black days but hopefully they wont be as disabiliting as they have been.
We are even thinking of giving it another go trying for a baby as I am feeling more stronger in myself. I just have to convince D to put a bit more effor into it..lol. I am going to go for more tests, examinations and fertility checks and hopefully things will work out for us this time. I am not getting any younger, and even if I did fall pregnant I would be classed as a mature mum at 38yr.. I was also told that there is a higher risk of having twins at this later stage of my years..ack!! So now we are just going to leave it up to nature and see what the goddess decides she has in store for us.
So thats where I have been, and whats happening now.. Hopefull normal service will be resumed..
Thank you to those that have been very patient with me and put up with my moaning or the depressed posts.. I can assure you it isnt normally me.. Hopefully the old me will start to shine through once more.. :-)
Flying towards my dreams @1:58 am