Ramblings..

Not a lot going on at Chez Bear's (which is what my home shall henceforth be known as..) We've had a death and a surprise in the family, all in the space of a week.

Sadly D's last living Uncle passed away on Saturday from cancer, although I am convinced he just gave up on life when he lost his wife (Aunt Rose) two years ago. We won't be going to the funeral though, that was a joint decision between me and D and his parents, mainly because its too far away for them to get to and D won't be able to get time off work. Uncle Dick wouldn't have minded, he would have known that we would still be remembering him in our own way though.. So now, unfortunately, there are only Aunties left in D's family, the Uncles have all departed, weird when you think about it..

A bit of good news, my washine machine that was having hissy fits on me which resulted in me having to "babysit the hose" everytime it went to do a rinse and spin - it suddenly stopped having the tantrums and is now back to working normally. All because it had a piece of fluff stuck in the outlet pipe somewhere - it coughed this up during a wash and was as right as rain afterwards. I shall never understand electrical things, they have a mind of their own.

The weather hasn't improved much - if anything it has got more humid. It was supposed to be cooling down by a couple of degrees - yep it did that but then the humidity index shot up. Great!! I am spending every day now encamped in front of the air conditioning unit in the living room and hardly moving at all...lol. Hey a bit of good news on the a/c front..the unit that I blew up now works. Yep another electrical gadget that has hissy fits.. I do not understand these things, I am sure they are sent from a higher place to test me.. What is it with electricity and heat..does it not agree? Aren't a/c units supposed to be used to cool places down or is that just a myth..

The surprise at Chez Bear's didn't go down at all well with one male member of the household, especially when a trip was made to porcelain goddess while I was eating my dinner last night... So that has sort of dampened the spirits here somewhat. Suffice to say my birthday next year (Feb 11th) will be something we won't forget in a hurry, and its not because I am turning 39..lol Its weird because last night I remembered my tarot reading from over over 2 years ago, that I had while I was in Chester with J. So far everything she had told me had come true, but there was still one thing that hadn't added up and which I had dismissed entirely as pure speculation on her part.. But if all goes to plan then this will be the last thing that should come true..

My mood ~~~~ and

Someone shoot the sun for me..

Please!! Take it out the sky and dont let it come back for at least a year.. No seriously, I am absolutely shattered in this heat, it is really starting to get to me now. My garden is registering a temperature of 50 deg, which is a staggering 122 deg farenheight..ack is that even a normal temperature.. Apparently Kent has been registering temperatures of 34 deg 93.2, and tomorrow they are now forecasting a record temperature of 37 deg 98.6. Heck I have never seen temperatures like this before, I mean this is England - we dont get temps like this. We are well known for our rain, or lack of it now..

I have both air conditioners running downstairs in the lounge now, and it is doing nothing. I am going to have to take one of these units into the kitchen later though, as there is no way I am going to be doing the cooking without one of them blowing around. And a fan is absolutely useless - might as well just switch the oven on and leave the door open..

I am hoping that the weather forecasters are correct and by Thursday the storms are going to come in and it is going to get cooler. It has to, doesnt it..

The weekend and the weather..

Not a lot really has been going on here at Chez Natty's, but we did have a flurry of activity on Saturday..lol. Ok it wasnt a lot of activity but for me it was quite an achievement. You see we went to the Kent County Show at Detling this year, and I had a glorious time. The weather was not as unbearable as the previous few days, which was a blessing in disguise. There was a really nice breeze blowing across the showground, which was lovely. I must admit if it hadn't been breezy the heat would have been totally unbearable, and I know we would have had to come straight home.

We spent over 4 hours walking around the different attractions going back and forwards to different stalls etc.. They European wolves were there again, but I wasnt brave enough to go in the cage and pet them, although they did look very docile. I wished I had done this, but maybe next year - I will also remember to take the camera next year so I can get more pictures of them, as stupid me forgot the camera and didnt realise 'till we were halfway there and D didnt want to turn around..

I can truthfully say I didn't spend as much money as I anticipated, infact I even came home with half of it, which is an achievement for me. I did try and get D to buy me a couple of things but he was hanging onto his wallet for grim death, like he normally does.. Although saying that we did manage to come home with plenty of food that we brought at different stalls..- duck with apricot and ginger sausages, two fruit pies (blueberry and apple and a black cherry one). We had also discovered the duck stall was selling duck pasties and cold duck pannini's so guess what we had for dinner..lol And they were delicious..

The highlight of the day I think, for me, was this fantastic Cyberstein robot. The only way I can describe it is as an 8ft grey robot that is totally self sufficient, a robot with a brain I suppose. It gave the impression that it was doing things on its own, but in actual fact there is someone in the robot. How they actually manipulate this robot is a mystery but believe me its a great attraction. People that were in the front row around this robot were being serenaded, and the robot was dancing around. It was fantastic, I just wished I had taken some photos. Although I have managed to find a photo online:



Sunday was a "rest" day as unfortunately Saturday had completely wiped me out physically and mentally, so I spent most of the day doing nothing and watching t.v. or snoozing on the sofa. It was even too hot to do any stitching which is a rarity. Although at the moment with our weather we are having this week moving about is an effort as its way too hot. They are forecasting 35 deg by Wednesday, and then thankfully its going to break on Thursday/Friday when we finally get back to normal temperatures of 25 deg.. I think even the animals are starting to feel it as Bear doesnt actually move much from his chair. The only movement he does is get off and have a drink then get back on and go to sleep.. The cats are just asleep upstairs in the cool all day then they go out and play in the garden when is has cooled down a bit at night.

My mood ~~~

Ooooh nifty Haloscan..

Oooh I was just commenting on a couple of blogs and I noticed that Haloscan has a new feature. You can upload little piccies when you comment - nifty!! That means you can now include your own smilies if you want too.

Now why didnt they tell me this..lol

Stairway to nowhere..

Well the carpet man has just been, and we now have a light beige carpet up the stairs, along the hall and in the bathroom and toilet. I am amazed at how much it actually lightens up what is normally a very dark stairwell..

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A rose by any other name..

This is the rose that we planted for Nan and N and it is called In Loving Memory. As you can see it has bloomed, and it is looking really lovely. Its only a baby rose at the moment, but it has several buds already. It also has the most gorgeous smell, that you can smell while standing above it.. Here are some photos that I took about half an hour ago:

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I'm going back to school..

Yep, I am going back to college after being away from eduction for 20 years.. Oooh scarey!!

I have signed up for a course at my local college - Belly Dancing..eeks!! I think I must have been mad when I was doing this. Actually I blame a programme I watched on t.v. before I went to the Dr's this afternoon, and it was all about this woman that took up belly dancing after her husband had lost interest in her.

Anyway next thing I knew I had signed up and paid for the course while I was out.. So that will be something to tell my therapist when I see her next - as of September I toddle off to college one day a week for 15 weeks for a couple of hours. Well its a way of getting fit and toning up my body, and funnily enough D was very enthusiastic about it when I told him tonight.

I've also been looking at a couple of other courses to do at the beginning of next year..

Wow I really cant believe I have actually done this - a few months ago you wouldnt have got me even thinking about this. How things have moved on..

*thinking to myself why did I have my nails done today too, I can't type..lol

Lest we forget 7/7/05

Today a year ago 52 people died and several hundred injured in the horrific bomb explosions in London.

MAY WE NEVER FORGET THOSE THAT DIED

A pondering thought..

When my cat Barney died on 18 August 2005 and we got Ollie on 29 September 2005, I did not realize it at the time but that was the start of my life taking a turn for the better. Its hard to explain but in Barney passing she took all the negativity and badness in my life away with her. As though she knew it was the right time for me to finally awaken from a long sleep. I suppose you could always say her job was done, and in passing away she took this all with her. And she gave me Ollie, because in so many ways he has her traits, almost as if he has her soul. He is my little shadow and for a cat that has only been with me for just under a year is so in tune with my feelings.. I suppose I would say that Barney was my guardian angel and when she died she passed the "job" over to Ollie.

The reason I am thinking all of this is because my life has slowly started to lose the negativity that was keeping me from moving forward. And it only really started to do this upon Barneys' passing. When I am not sure of what to do, or how I feel, Ollie seems to always be there - If I am sad he appears from nowhere and stays with me until I can actually see with clarity.

It was as though a light had been switched on finally.

So I really do think that when I buried my Barney, my past and past feelings/negative life was buried with her.

I have finally had the courage to face up to so much this past year that previously would have sent me spiralling downwards. I have faced up to the fact that my mother is not a good influence in my life and never will be, so have consciously "cut" myself off from her. I have finally accepted closure with my relationship from J. I have accepted that what we had was never meant to be,unless circumstances were different, but without going through the last 6 years, with and without him in my life, I wouldn't be where I am now. I have learnt so much from this past relationship, I have realised that I am capable of loving and being loved.

I am finally settled in my marriage - I'm in a place that I have been trying so hard to find that it was there all the time, I just never realised.

I've accepted that I cannot change the past, but the past is just that. It can no longer hurt me and I wont let it hurt me anymore. I am stronger than that.

Also with my Nan and N dying it was as though the final links with my past had gone. I was no longer being held back. I am allowing myself to grieve for my past and those close to me that have died. I've made peace in my mind with everything that was dragging me down, and in doing this I can finally get past all this.

I know the depression and bipolar will never go away but I have learnt to accept this and finally know my limitations. To not get too downhearted when I am going through a down episode, I will get through it, and to stop pushing against it.

I have rediscovered an old friendship, which I thought I had lost or thought I no longer needed in my life. But no, this has returned but the friendship is different. I am more in control, I am no longer needy and with this has come a totally different level, a much more comfortable friendship and one that will be around forever.

I have also gained new friendships that I would never have known.

In so many ways my life has changed for the better since I have accepted I cannot change what was. I realize I had to go through all the pain and heartache of the past 30 odd years to get where I am now. And this final peace of the jigsaw was put into place when Barney died and I allowed Ollie into my life.

This may sound really off the wall and totally wacko, but this is how it feels. All my hurt and pain from my past life, my childhood abuse, me feelings of failure and worthlessness, the lack of love in my marriage, constantly hurting myself with negative friendships and my failure at not being able to love J totally, to find my soulmate in J only to lose him, the loss of my babies - of never being able to hold my own child in my arms, or constantly looking for something I couldn't find or know what I wanted - this has all gone.

It's been a slow and gradual process and I really do feel its been happening since Barney passed on. She took all this with her.

I now feel like a weight has been lifted and I am finally free to move forward. I know things are going to knock me but I also know that I am capable of overcoming this - I can no longer be dragged down. I can finally enjoy life and living !!!!!!!

Hopefully now this works..

Well after taking me all morning to sort this out, I think I finally have it tweaked to how I want.

Thank you to Barbara and Manic for the comments.. Manic, hopefully you dont have to scroll from left to right to read the blog posts now

My mood ~~~ and

Playing around with the blog template..

I am hoping that this is going to work - if not then it will have to go back to the pink fairy one.

I do think it still needs a bit of tweaking though - like the actual right hand column could probably be made a wee bit wider,but not sure how to go about that one.. Plus I dont like the scroll bar, now how to figure out how to get rid of that one..lol

Oh and I just noticed the floodable blog list box under links is too big - I want it to shrink but it wont...grrrr!!! I also wanted a transparent background on the blog list.. but hey you can't have everything..lol

And now as it is nearly 1.30am I am going to head off to bed before I fall asleep on the sofa..

Aaaah computers will be the bane of my life...

I have spent the last 2 days trying to get my antivirus and internet security updated - stupid thing keeps telling me I have to activate it. How many times does it want me to activate it...aaaaaaaaah

Hopefully by the end of today I will have it sorted out, but for some unknown reason I can't access my emails at the moment.

Why do these companies insist on updating their products..

So I havent just disappeared, I've got computer trouble...grrr!!!!

Cover your ears..this may hurt..

I had the evening from Hades Saturday, and I just wanted to scream...AAAaaaaaaah!! That's better..lol

Saturday was relatively quiet as D went off to play with his steam trains and I just pottered around. I put a load of washing on, that finished and was hung on the line so I put another one in the machine.. Big mistake.!!

Somehow my washing machine decided to throw a major hissy fit. It refused to drain water out, refused to spin and basically refused to do much.. So I got down on my hand and knees, proceeded to flood the kitchen out getting the water out, took the filter out and cleaned that - gods it was bunged up with fluff from a bathroom mat that I had washed last week. Although the machine had been working since I washed the mat. So thinking that this would cure it, I went and started the machine off again. Another big mistake - it didn't get past the rinse cycle once again. Oh joy of joys - empty machine, have a row with D as I think maybe the machine is dead. This might be due to the fact it was sparking at the bottom where the motor is.. So I said to D maybe it would be a good idea to go out tomorrow and get a new one. You know that was a big mistake too.. You would think I would learn - me and my mistakes. So I literally dropped all the wet washing on the floor, told him to deal with it - got in my car and drove to the nature reserve on the island and just sat there for an hour watching the bunnies playing around, I was much calmer by the time I started the drive back home.

I ended up sitting eating a belated Chinese takeaway, while D took Bear out for a walk to let me watch t.v. I was miffed as I missed Dr Who, but that's wasnt a problem in the end as we ended up watching it on tv replay..

I spent two hours standing with my washing machine hose in my hand and physically emptying the machine when it should be doing it automatically. So I now have a defunct washing machine, and a semi filled laundry basket of dirty clothes.. Aaaah!!! Oh well life is sent to test me..

Yesterday was a good day, albeit very very hot.. Although if you ask D how I was he would say grumpy.. He said he had never known anyone like me who hated the heat with such a passion..and also who was so grumpy with it.

So today I am approaching the washing.. Well the machine works until it gets to the rinse and spin cycles, so I have to hold the hose at the back of the machine, on the floor and in bowls so that I manually empty the machine of water. But mustn't complain as at least it does still work in a fashion..lol

I am also going to change my blog layout.. I found this most gorgeous template yesterday and D even liked it too.. Here's a sneak preview:

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