A pondering thought..
Friday, July 07, 2006

When my cat Barney died on 18 August 2005 and we got Ollie on 29 September 2005, I did not realize it at the time but that was the start of my life taking a turn for the better. Its hard to explain but in Barney passing she took all the negativity and badness in my life away with her. As though she knew it was the right time for me to finally awaken from a long sleep. I suppose you could always say her job was done, and in passing away she took this all with her. And she gave me Ollie, because in so many ways he has her traits, almost as if he has her soul. He is my little shadow and for a cat that has only been with me for just under a year is so in tune with my feelings.. I suppose I would say that Barney was my guardian angel and when she died she passed the "job" over to Ollie.

The reason I am thinking all of this is because my life has slowly started to lose the negativity that was keeping me from moving forward. And it only really started to do this upon Barneys' passing. When I am not sure of what to do, or how I feel, Ollie seems to always be there - If I am sad he appears from nowhere and stays with me until I can actually see with clarity.

It was as though a light had been switched on finally.

So I really do think that when I buried my Barney, my past and past feelings/negative life was buried with her.

I have finally had the courage to face up to so much this past year that previously would have sent me spiralling downwards. I have faced up to the fact that my mother is not a good influence in my life and never will be, so have consciously "cut" myself off from her. I have finally accepted closure with my relationship from J. I have accepted that what we had was never meant to be,unless circumstances were different, but without going through the last 6 years, with and without him in my life, I wouldn't be where I am now. I have learnt so much from this past relationship, I have realised that I am capable of loving and being loved.

I am finally settled in my marriage - I'm in a place that I have been trying so hard to find that it was there all the time, I just never realised.

I've accepted that I cannot change the past, but the past is just that. It can no longer hurt me and I wont let it hurt me anymore. I am stronger than that.

Also with my Nan and N dying it was as though the final links with my past had gone. I was no longer being held back. I am allowing myself to grieve for my past and those close to me that have died. I've made peace in my mind with everything that was dragging me down, and in doing this I can finally get past all this.

I know the depression and bipolar will never go away but I have learnt to accept this and finally know my limitations. To not get too downhearted when I am going through a down episode, I will get through it, and to stop pushing against it.

I have rediscovered an old friendship, which I thought I had lost or thought I no longer needed in my life. But no, this has returned but the friendship is different. I am more in control, I am no longer needy and with this has come a totally different level, a much more comfortable friendship and one that will be around forever.

I have also gained new friendships that I would never have known.

In so many ways my life has changed for the better since I have accepted I cannot change what was. I realize I had to go through all the pain and heartache of the past 30 odd years to get where I am now. And this final peace of the jigsaw was put into place when Barney died and I allowed Ollie into my life.

This may sound really off the wall and totally wacko, but this is how it feels. All my hurt and pain from my past life, my childhood abuse, me feelings of failure and worthlessness, the lack of love in my marriage, constantly hurting myself with negative friendships and my failure at not being able to love J totally, to find my soulmate in J only to lose him, the loss of my babies - of never being able to hold my own child in my arms, or constantly looking for something I couldn't find or know what I wanted - this has all gone.

It's been a slow and gradual process and I really do feel its been happening since Barney passed on. She took all this with her.

I now feel like a weight has been lifted and I am finally free to move forward. I know things are going to knock me but I also know that I am capable of overcoming this - I can no longer be dragged down. I can finally enjoy life and living !!!!!!!
Flying towards my dreams @12:41 pm

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