Ack its 10.30am..(ish!)

And guess who hasn't had a shower or anything yet..oops

My car has to go for its annual MOT at noon and I am nowhere near ready yet. I wanted to go to the library, pick up a prescription for D and also go to Asda BEFORE I took the car into the garage. Think it will be a hurried visit to the library as I need some new books and I want to read while I am waiting for the car.

Talking of D..guess who left all their credit cards at home today..hehehe. Well actually it was my fault as I had been in his jacket checking the number on his credit card for the online postage I was ordering last night, and somehow or other the wallet they were in didn't go back into his jacket pocket, it slipped down into the wardroble. Ooops, so guess who wasn't popular when I get a call from D to say he had no cards to get any money out.. Plus he had already had a horrendous 3 hour journey into work due to a major accident on the M20 which caused chaos on all the surrounding roads..

And on another bit of news, I received my redwork exchange from the SBBEB board. All I will say is wow... I love it.. Thank you so much Barbara, and thank you for the little P.I.F. gift too. You know me so well..

Piccies to follow in another post, I must go and get showered and get to the library.

Move over rubber ducks ..

Meet fluffy teddies..

My dog Jet has a new slant on the old rubber duck for when you are in the bath.. This is what he decided to put in the bath...



And this is poor Jet looking at the fluffy teddy..



Wonder if there is a market for them..lol

Not a lot to say..

Things have been a bit quiet here for me lately, mainly because I haven't really been doing a lot, well apart from sleeping and watching t.v.

Sorry if it's a bit dull at the moment in the life of Chez Bear's, normal service will resume shortly. I do have some receipes and piccies to post - I have tried a couple of new receipes out and they have turned out really well so I thought I would share them. I've also been finishing a couple of outstanding exchanges but unfortunately I cannot share them as they haven't been received yet, but as soon as they are I will share the pictures.

So until normal service is resumed I just want to say thank you to everyone that has left comments recently, they do mean so much to me.

Barbara (mainleystitching) I will pop a letter in the post to you later this week

Divorcing duvet...

Before I go any further with this post, a warning - this is not a pity me post but it could be construed as one, so I want to apologise if anyone feels that this is what the post is about... I just need to put it down.

Afraid I have only just woken up after having absolutely no sleep last night. I basically sat downstairs all evening, wide awake, watching all the programmes that I had Tivo'd until D got up at 5am for work. I also spent a good three hours stitching on one of my projects and I am paying dearly for it at the moment with a pounding headache.

Anyway I went to bed at 6am and promptly fell fast asleep until about half an hour ago, 3.00pm, when I got up and staggered downstairs and promtly drank two cups of tea one after t'other.

I am basically going to write today off as a very bad day and a complete no-no with regards to flying.

Yesterday was a bad day, this then led to me and D having a horrendous row yesterday which left me shaken. We basically slung insults at each other and he hit the nail on the head when he said he had noticed that I had slipped back into my old ways again, when I was heading for my breakdown. I am burying myself in everything except my own life, if you see what I mean. I am snapping at him, have taken no interest then when I do I get manic over it. He also said that he had noticed I was on automatic pilot when it came to the house and cooking etc.. Trouble is no-one else really sees this as I have got very good at putting on that "face" that I had all those years ago when I had my breakdown, and poor D is the only one that seems to be able to break through this "face". And yes we do know what has sent me spiralling downhill big time - it was Mum's death. It has taken its toll on me harder than I ever imagined it would. Trouble is I can't explain why because of our turbulous relationship over the years.

It also doesn't help that my psychiatrist appointment keeps getting changed for various reasons and I haven't seen them properly for a while now. My medication isn't working so we need to look at another form of medication. I have also had to get my Dr to renew my prescription for my sleeping tablets as I am not sleeping properly again. That is a major factor in my depression and I am hoping once I can get that sorted out again I will start to head upwards. The other thing is I am having to wait for my next round of councelling - I could go private but at the moment it is not an option to consider. I know the mental health team here from my last round of councelling and would like to stay with them if I could. Trouble is it will take a long time and as I know from the last round it will get worse before it gets better.

There are things that I need to tackle in the house and the trouble is until I do this I can't move forward, but it is also these things that are making me avoid the issues. Its like a viscious circle :-(

Anyway I am off to shower and do the washing up.

Thankyou for reading this if you have got this far and haven't been driven to sleep..lol

First daffodil of the season..

Here is the first daffodil of the spring, although spring isn't here yet it's somewhere around the corner.

I was so lucky as this daffodil opened just in time on my birthday Sunday and it felt rather special knowing that Mum had daffodils in her room when I was born, and here was the first one from our garden flowering on my 39th. Made me feel all gooey inside..

39 today ..

39years ago today in Farnborough Hospital a wee lassie was born at 17.55pm to B. And that wee lassie was me

The year I was born my mum's hospital room was full of daffodils, and I actually have a bunch of daffodils, that I cut from my front garden, sitting in one of mum's vases on the middle of my dining room table - these are for mum

Here's to another 39 years, and hopefully this is now the start of my new life.

Baby its cold...

The weather here is certainly taking another turn for the worse. I do wish it would decide whether its going to be nice and sunny or grey and blooming freezing. My poor heating is on and off like a yoyo. At the moment it is off but I am just about to switch it on as I cannot stitch with cold hands, although it would probably help if I put a cardigan on and not just be wearing a tshirt and jeans.. They are forecasting snow for this week so that should be interesting, especially as the poor daffodil bulbs are almost flowering. I even have crocuses in full bloom out the front too.



I would also like to say thank you to everyone that commented on my last post, they really mean so much to me.

From the heart......

How can your life be so turned upside down by the one person in the whole world you thought you could trust? I don't mean a husband/wife or partner - no by this I mean the woman that gave birth to you. The woman that would die for her child rather than anything bad befall her child. Yes I mean a mother!!!

A mother's love is supposed to be all consuming or so we are all led to believe aren't we? Then why are there those that think it's okay to destroy her childs life.? To undermine that love, the love a child craves from her mother. All she asks for is the gentle hug, someone to smooth away the fears or kiss the pain away.

For this child craves the love of her mother, love that is not forthcoming. The mother doesn't know how to love the child. She sees her as just someone she gave birth to all those years ago.

You see in the mothers eyes this child destroyed her. For all the childs life she was resented. Blamed for taking away the womans life, blamed for being born. When this child was born the mother nearly died and therefore mother and baby never bonded. After a week when the child was eventually placed with the mother the rush of love never came, instead all the woman felt was loathing and hate. And this hate got stronger and stronger all through the childs life. Oh no don't get me wrong the woman never showed the child this while she was young, no it slowly ate away at the woman like a disease. Slowly chipping away and knocking the defences down until it consumed the woman and this is all she knows.

Growing up the child is constantly trying to get the woman to love her. She does funny things, draws pictures at school, picks wild flowers and seashells to give the woman.

As the child grows up the woman gradually draws away from her. The distance between them gets further and further. All the time the child craves the womans love.

Then something happens to give the child hope. The woman marries, and for a while the child feels loved. Life is happy. She has a mom and finally a father who love her. Oh how her world would be shattered, but the child doesn't know this. She was oblivious to what was happening to her mother. After a few years the chipping started again. The woman would blame the child for everything. The woman was unable to have anymore children after the child had been born and this started to fester away. The woman would tell the child it was her fault, if she hadn't been born the woman would've had a different life. The resentment started to grow towards the child. She was blamed for the womans marriage breaking up.

Then the girl had to grow up, the mother fell ill and became dependant on the girl. The girl had to become the parent and nurse the woman through her illness. The girl was secretly pleased, she finally felt that she was wanted, she thought her mother needed her. But two things happened that would totally change the life of the girl. One was that she was harbouring a secret she couldn't tell her mother because she blamed herself. Through the years of the womans resentment the girl had begun to believe that she was worthless and so she thought that what had happened was her fault. You see the girl had become a victim of abuse from her stepfather. The girl knew nothing, she thought this was normal and in her eyes someone was finally showing her some affection. How was the girl to know this was wrong, she did everything she was told and she was still only a child. Thankfully the abuse stopped when her stepfather left. But it was a secret she had to keep to herself, only to tell her mother years later. But still the girl had those feelings of worthless. The woman made no effort to show her that her stepfather was wrong, instead she put all the blame on the girl.

The other thing that changed was the woman really started to resent the girl. In the womans eyes the girl could do no right. She was taunted that the woman didn't want her when she had been born and nobody would ever want the girl. The girl was continually told she was worthless and through time she started to believe this. Yet strangely through all this the girl loved her mum. She couldn't stop loving her but she did wonder why her mum never showed it back. The girl was always questioning what she had done wrong, why did her mum resent her so much.

Then life changed, the girls' world came down around her. The woman met someone, he made her happy and laugh. But the girl didn't like him so she did her best to be as unruly as she could. She would play up at school, stay out etc... What the girl didn't know was she was being a typical teenager. She would have got through it if the woman had shown her love. But no, the woman turned against the girl. In the womans eyes the girl wasn't her daughter, she became someone that would make her happy. The girl became a pawn in the womans' relationship. It was at this time that the girl withdrew from everything and everyone. She was in her own world where no-one could hurt her. She had created the perfect mother and she believed in this mother.

Oh how her world changed in the blink of an eye with the utterance of a few words and the actions of a delusional woman. The girl became the victim of abuse again, but this abuse was accepted by the woman. The woman became consumed with a desire to have a child and to her the girl was the answer. The girl lost her mother completely the day the woman and the woman's boyfriend raped her!!!

Yet why couldn't the girl let go, why did she cling onto the hope that the mother loved her. Because the girl had the unconditional love still that a child has for their parent. And she desperately wanted her mothers love. This is all she had been wanting all her childhood. Yet it was also this woman that destroyed the girls love for her mother.

You see there is no happy ending, no declaration of a mother's love for this girl.

The girl became a woman and made her own life without the woman beside her. She also screwed up her life and nearly screwed up her marriage to a good and kind man. Yet still the girl was missing something. She made herself ill because of it, something she may never recover from. The girl is constantly plaqued with feelings of deep depression which she has no control over because of the womans actions.

The girl has has to learn to love, to learn to let go of demons. To accept she had no control over what the woman did to her. To accept the woman was really ill all through the girls childhood. To accept she is a woman that hasnt' been broken down by her mother however hard she tried. She has to accept her husbands love, to accept friendships without their being an ulterior motive behind it. To accept that people want to be around her because she is just her!!

Now it is too late. The girl is alone, the woman has died.

The girl never got the chance to say how much she loved the woman one more time, in the hope it would stir some deep down feeling in the woman. The girl never got the chance to ask why???

As I said earlier there is no happy ending for the girl. But finally the love for her mother has been destroyed - or has it???

The girl has found out how much her mother hated or despised her. How much the woman never wanted her to be born.

Now the girl is grieving for the loss of her childhood and for a mother she never really knew. For the image of a mother that the girl had created in her mind, a mother that did love her. A mother that would protect her. She is also grieving for not being able to be a mother, to be a better mother than her own mother. That was taken away from the girl when she was raped.

This is my story - I am that girl!!

I have written this, not for pity or sympathy. Not to gain posts or comments, no I have written this post to help erase the negativity and to try and understand the woman that was my mother for 39 years.

Some exchange pics..

I have finished uploading some exchange pics, and without further ado here they are:

The first one is the Winter Quaker Exchange I stitched for Zohrah for the SBBEB Exchange board. I really enjoyed stitching this one and used varigated colours from blue to white, as the colour of the exchange was blue and white.
















The second one is the beautiful Winter Quaker Exchange I received from Cindy. She stitched be a gorgeous biscornu and even put my initial on the back. I also received some lovely goodies as well. I was truly spoilt with this exchange.

A little guidance needed..

How you feel about yourself now (Death)

Perhaps you feel that everything as you have known it is falling apart. Unexpected changes and turmoil, end of a job, end of a career, divorce or end of a relationship, recovering from a bereavement or fear of bereavement. Try not to worry too much, this time of absolute endings heralds a brand new beginning, a period of great transformation.

What you most want at this moment (Judgement)

The cards suggest Natty, that what you most want at this time is a new start, to close this chapter in your life and have a brand new beginning. This is not a time for regret but for rejoicing. Rewards for past efforts will follow and you are sure to have many opportunities presented to you. Life will pick up a pace and the choices you make will have far reaching implications that could change your life dramatically. Any legal issues should be ruled in your favour.

Your fears (The Sun)

You are afraid that things seem too good to be true, so much pleasure and joy - well enjoy it, sometimes we can be pleasantly surprised. If you have been unwell this is a time of rejuvenation and good health. Perhaps you are afraid that things won’t actually get better - have faith you are about to enter a happy and pleasurable time. The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby.

What is going for you (The Moon)

Despite the fear and bewilderment you feel, and the seeming difficulty of the path you have chosen, keep going - all will eventually turn out fine. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair; it also shows us how to be open to new and unexpected possibilities.

What is going against you (The Star)

This is a period of tension and frustrations, you feel pessimistic and fearful that your hopes will be dashed. Any bad luck you may be having is primarily down to your self-doubt and negativity. Have faith that your luck will change.

Outcome (The Fool)

Open your mind and soul to new possibilities this is a time to realise your full potential, follow your instincts and act on your hunches. A time for spontaneity, fun and surprises. However, be mindful of being too impulsive - your decisions should be based on experience and knowledge of self.

This really is getting quite spooky with the readings, the first one I did back before Christmas just after Mum's funeral was very accurate, and now this one is frightenly so. I've also got an affinity to this deck of cards as this is the same deck I have home here myself and often use when I am needing a little reassurance. Although I will admit that my own cards have stayed in the drawer since mums death.

Celebrity Big Brother or as it could be called "Where did they find this lot"

Well its now January and the annual ritual that is now Celebrity Big Brother has started and boy is it full of the usual "Z" celebrities. The line up includes the odd english celebrity, but for some reason the americans want to come into our BB..why??

We have in the house:

Ian Watkins or "H" as he was known when he was in the pop group Steps many moons ago..
Jo O'Meara who was in another pop group called S-Club 7 the same time as Ian was in Steps.
Shilipa Shetty, she is some Bollywood actress - never heard of her myself and she seems to be a bit of a prima donna.
Carole Malone is a bitchy newspaper column writer and was famously in Fat Club with Anne Diamond.
Donny Tourette who is in a pop group called Towers of London, the less said about him the better..
Leo Sayer, well what can I say about him, he is an icon from the 70's. I loved his songs especially Orchard Road.
Ken Russell, he is basically a wee bit old to be in there, he's 79 years of age and he is still directing films. Bless him he reminds everyone of Godfrey from Dad's Army.
Danielle Lloyd, hmmm she was stripped of her Miss World 2006 title when it came out she had been dating one of the judges. She's also a wannabee footballer wife.
Cleo Roccas, she is a darling - she also used to be Kenny Everetts best mate before he died in the 70's
Jermaine Jackson is as we all know Michael Jackson's brother
And lastly we have Dirk Benedict or The Faceman as we all know and love him from The A Team.

And because CBB is back it also means we have the delectable Dermot O'Leary back in Big Brother's Little Brother and my favourite stand up Russell Brand in Big Brother's Big Mouth.

An interesting line up of celebrities in CBB but definately some entertaining t.v. to watch during the next three weeks.

Christmas is officially over.. CBB has started..

Have taken down the Christmas tree tonight and hoovered up the pine needles..wow you could have built another christmas tree with the needles left over..lol

Poor Amy will have to find another place to hide, she used to run behind the tree and play peek-a-boo but now its not there she is looking a bit put out..

Bear is happy now as his house is getting back to normal, no odd items in places that they shouldnt't be.

And its official Celebrity Big Brother has started..more in next post :-)

Christmas Ornament received and sent..

Just a couple of pictures. One is the Christmas Ornament I stitched for Chris (I'd Rather Be Stitching), finally this was received at its destination but unfortuantely it was posted over two weeks ago and got stuck in the mail... It's at times like this I really hate the UK Royal Mail postal service, it goes from worse to diabolical..



My Christmas Ornament I received from Rosa (SaumaDut)., unfortunately I haven't got a picture of this but as soon as I find my camera I will take a pic and post it on here. Rosa also sent me a couple of other goodies which included a lovely tealight holder in christmassy colours and a wooden ornament of an Icelandic christmassy person.

Out with the old and in with the new..

I would like to wish all my blog readers/friends a Happy New Year and to thank you for bearing with me through the thick and think, the highs and lows of this previous year. I would also like to raise a glass to each and everyone of you, and toast in 2007

Updated blog template..

It still needs a bit of work, I am not too happy with the links colours but as yet I haven't found a colour that suits.. I am working on it.

As you can see this is what I have been up to while I was without my wireless connection. I stupidly broke my USB dongle thingy for the laptop and had to wait a couple of days before I could get myself up and running properly.

Can't say I did much stitching though, although I did sort out what I was going to be doing for the next exchange so that's something :-)

Hope you like the new template.. Any comments on how it can be improved would be appreciated :-)

Ugh, where's my bed..

For the first year since I can remember I have actually got a sickness bug during the time between Christmas and New Year. Woke up in the early hours of this morning choking and then unfortunately I then threw up everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Heck it must have been bad even D woke up and got me a drink..lol

Still feeling rather fragile and I intend on taking it easy, I have managed to keep some dried toast down but the yoghurt I just ate is definately showing signs of not wanting to stay put.. :-(

Today is definately going to be a slow and quiet day.

Just to wish everyone..

**A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year**

May 2007 bring you everything you wish for, I am certainly hoping it will be a better year for us at Chez Bears, well it cant get any worse can it..lol

I will be back after the holiday season..

Pics of flowers from Mum's funeral - pic intensive.

Finally I have got round to loading up the pictures of the flowers that were at Mums funeral. All in all she did really well for flowers :-)

I have had them out in the garden, laying on the patio, now for about 3 weeks and they have finally decided to die off. I think the frost has got them..lol I did managed to salvage a lot to put in vases around the living room over the past three weeks which has been nice. The last lot are on the windowsill for Christmas, so in some respect Mum will be with me over the Christmas period.

These are the flowers that I had made up for Mum and they went on top of the coffin...

How true this is..

how you feel about yourself now (The Magician) You feel a sense of purpose and the willpower to get things done. Self-empowerment is the key word here. Any new enterprises in love or career show great potential. You feel that you have the ability to think on your feet and, faced with opposition, the appearance of The Magician is an excellent omen of success. Time to believe in your self and go for it! what you most want at this moment (Justice) The cards suggest Natty, that what you most want at this time is for a fair and right outcome whether it concerns relationships or business affairs. You feel that you are in the right and that any decision or agreement to be made should be in your favour. your fears (The Moon) Lies and insecurity are likely to be prominent in your life at the moment, you are afraid of being deceived and feel that you are being misled. Trust your instincts and let them guide you away from those who may seem charming but are only out for their own gains. Your turbulent emotions are muddying the waters - step back and try to find clarity of mind, although this may seem difficult. The Moon does help to illuminate the way and don’t worry, it will turn out alright in the end. what is going for you (The Fool) This is an exciting time with much potential for fun and good times. Your confidence should be high, it's a great time for new possibilities. If you are considering leaving your job, home or relationship, in time you will. An unexpected desire will be fulfilled, even before you express it! what is going against you (The Lovers) Are you suffering in silence in an unhappy relationship or feeling very lonely? Do you have the courage to make the decision you really know you should make? You have a great sense of duty but are you happy? A difficult decision has to be made - have courage and you will achieve emotional happiness. outcome (Judgement) A time for taking stock, an end to an era or phase of your life and brand new opportunities appearing. An opportunity will present itself that must not be ignored and it could have far reaching implications, changing your life for the better. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected

Free Tarot Readings

Funeral over and done with now..life can get back to normal I hope..

Well mum is at peace now, and hopefully I can start living again. I have been in limbo for the past two weeks and am still feeling a bit like its not real but I am going to try and throw myself into the christmas period.

We are off to get the tree later this morning, once I have managed to drag myself into the shower, at either our local farm up the road or the local garden centre, bit miffed though as I think they have shut the craft section down so can't browse in there. But I can ooh and aaah over their christmas section, and hopefully buy our regular supply of fruit pies at Lime Tree pantry there

Went to Bluewater yesterday as I have just discovered Virgin Vie and I have fallen in love with their new perfume Fantasia..mmmm. DH said he would treat me to cheer me up after the last couple of weeks, and boy was I spoilt but I have to wait till Christmas to get the pressies..

It still feels weird as I only have one special card to buy this year now and thats for D. None for my nan or my mum..:( Might get a card to place where her ashes will be scattered in the churchyard up the road. Have to go to pick up mums’ ashes this afternoon, wow I can’t believe they are ready so soon, then have an appointment with the solicitor to sort out this darn will..ugh!!

And D is going to Gravesend on his own while I am in Gillingham, gods knows what he will end up buying..lol Hope everyone is doing okay..hopefully I can be around a bit more from next week onwards..

Thank you to everyone for your lovely comments over the past couple of week on mums' passing, they have been a tremendous comfort for me, and I have appreciated every single one of them..