Had a lovely drive..

Firstly thank you to those that have posted comments on my last post, I appreciate them very much but I hope no-one thought I was just hoping to get sympathy with that post, cos thats certainly wasnt my intention. You know I really feel that my blog is a very good release for me, and it also helps other people see a big insight into how my crazy mind works sometimes. Though gods forbid what would happen if any of my family ever read it, I think they would section me very quickly..lol

Anyway after posting that post, the weather picked up considerably and so did my mood, so I decided to take myself off for a drive into the countryside. So that's exactly what I did. I made up a flask of tea and found some nibbles and just got in the car and, after picking up my medication from the Dr's in the little village up the road, I took one of the side roads on the way home and went through the lovely country lanes near me. I saw some gorgeous lambs, and lots and lots of that horrible rapeseed plants in the fields. Actually they looked like fields of gold - you know that Eva Cassidy song "Fields of Gold" that is exactly what the fields near me looked like. Absolutely gorgeous. I pulled into a layby, watched a farmer on his tractor going about his daily work, and while listening to Radio 2 sat and drank my cup of tea and nibbles, with the windows wide open. It was a truly glorious time and it was definately something that I think I needed.

I forgot how close to the countryside we are here, its literally just 5 mins drive away, plus we also have the beach a 10 min drive away if I really want to be daring..lol. Although I do prefer the countryside with all the wildlife running around nearby. Its a shame I didnt take my camera, but I will remember it next time I take a drive.

I was also a twit, I sent a letter to J via his sister. But I will admit I feel tons better by doing this, I think I have had some sort of epiphany with this. Its still hard, but it is so much easier now.

I think thats why I am feeling like I am at the moment, I am trying to put my life into some major perspective and actually take those babysteps to move onwards, and every so often I dont want to leave the safety zone that I have known for so long, so I dig my heels in.

My mood:

Bleugh!!

I don't know what on earth is wrong with me at the moment, I have had two bleugh days and I don't like them. The only trouble is I am finding that I am hiding this from D, yep it seems I am heading back down that road again - the old "nothing is wrong, I'm fine" route and the "happy" mask has come out again. I don't like to tell him how I am feeling as we have had some really good times recently and he has been so much happier seeing me back to my cheerful self and doing things around the house etc. So in order to keep him happy I am still doing these things, and cooking proper meals at dinnertime but to be truthful it isnt me. The only way I can describe it is is that I am an empty shell at the moment, I am doing everything on automatic pilot - but there is no feelings involved.

I don't even know why I am feeling like this, I can't explain any rhyme or reason to it.. If a total stranger saw me, or came into the house, heck not even a total stranger, friends or family - they wouldn't see anything wrong, there wouldn't be anything to even hint at how I am. I would go as far as to say they would say that they would have thought I was back to my "old" self again. But to be truthful again, it is the mask - the glorious front that I really had thought I had got rid of. But no I find it is still there, and it wasn't buried that deep either. To be honest I was hoping that it had gone for good but I was wrong..

ABC Meme

This is a nice easy meme which Gemmak tagged me with:

Accent – Kentish with the Medway Towns flattened vowels.

Booze of choice – I would much prefer a cup of tea

Chore I hate – Ironing

Dog or Cat – Both

Essential electronics – Laptop, camera, external hard drive, cable modem, tv and tvdrive thingy.. Heck can I just say all electronics..lol

Favorite perfume - Ghost

Gold or Silver? Silver.

Hometown – Kent

Insomnia? – Yes and I hate it.

Job Title – Domestic Engineer (that's housewife to you and me!).

Kids? – Nope.

Living Arrangement – Married

Most-admired trait – Ack I have no idea what mine is..

Overnight Hospital Stays – Err yes 12 years ago in the psychiatric ward for a month

Phobia – Spiders, wasps, bees or any other insect that has wings and flies..ugh!!

Quote – *Never feel that you're to blame, sometimes life breaks in mysterious ways*

Religion – Pagan

Siblings – Nope

Time I wake up – Normally 9ish unless its a weekend then its 8ish when D gets up.

Unusual talent/skill –Nope not sure I have one

X-rays – Several

Yummy foods I make – Stew and Dumplings, meat pie, bacon and onion suet pudding, cakes

Zodiac sign – Aquarius

And I have no idea what 'N' is...lol


...and those required to please join in are:

Belinda, Harsha, Kiwijo and Sapph

Yet another lazy post..sorry

And this was shamlessly stolen from Sapph's

Place an X beside the things you've done. This is for your entire life:

( ) Crashed a friend's car.
( ) Stolen a car.
(X ) Been in love.
(X ) Been dumped.
(X ) Shoplifted.
( ) Been fired.
( ) Been in a fist fight.
( ) Snuck out of your parent's house.
(X ) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them for you.
( )Been arrested. Not Charged
(X ) Gone on a blind date.
(X ) Lied to a friend.
(X ) Skipped school.
( ) Seen someone die.
( ) Been to Canada.
( ) Been to Mexico.
(X ) Been on a plane.
( ) Set a part of yourself on fire.
( ) Eaten sushi.
( ) Been skiing. Snow skiing, yes.
(X ) Met someone from the Internet.
( ) Been to a concert.
(X ) Taken painkillers.
(X ) Love someone or miss someone right now.
( ) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by.
( ) Made a snow angel.
(X ) Had a tea party pretend or otherwise.
(X ) Flown a kite.
(X ) Built a sandcastle.
(X ) Gone puddle jumping.
(X ) Played dress up.
(X ) Jumped into a pile of leaves.
( ) Gone sledding.
( ) Cheated while playing a game.
(X ) Been lonely.
( ) Fallen asleep at work/school.
( ) Used a fake ID.
(X ) Watched the sunset.
( ) Felt an earthquake.
( ) Slept beneath the stars.
(X ) Been tickled.
(X ) Been robbed.
(X ) Been misunderstood.
(X ) Petted a reindeer/goat/kangaroo OR jackalope.
( ) Won a contest.
(X ) Run a red light/stop sign.
( ) Been suspended from school..
(X ) Been in a car crash.
( ) Had braces.
(X ) Felt like an outcast/third person.
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night.
(X ) Had deja vu.
( ) Danced in the moonlight.
( ) Liked the way you looked.
(X ) Witnessed a crime.
(X ) Questioned your heart.
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes.
( ) Squished mud through your bare feet.
(X ) Been lost.
( ) Been on the opposite side of the country.
( ) Swam in the ocean.
(X ) Felt like dying.
(X ) Cried yourself to sleep.
(X ) Played cops and robbers.
( ) Recently colored with crayons.
( ) Sang karaoke.
(X ) Paid for a meal with only coins.
(X ) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
( ) Made prank phone calls.
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose.
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
( ) Danced in the rain.
(X ) Written a letter to Santa Claus.
(X ) Been kissed under the mistletoe.
(X ) Watched the sun rise.
(X ) Blown bubbles.
(X ) Made a bonfire on the beach.
( ) Crashed a party.
( ) Gone roller-skating.
( ) Had a wish come true.
( ) Jumped off a bridge.

A lazy post..

I did have something in mind to post but think I will wait till I am in a better frame of mind to post it.. So until then here's a lazy post.

And if I see Ricky Gervais one more time advertising the new episode of The Simpsons with him in it next week, I am going to scream, or hurl something at the t.v. There thats better..now back to the lazy post.

Shamelessly taken from Gemmak's blog, the "Have you ever" questions. Those that read this must pariticpate on your own blogs.

1) smoked - Yes
2) consumed alcohol - Yes
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex - Yes
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex - No
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex -Yes
6) made out with someone of the same sex- No
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex - Yes
8) watched porn - Yes
9) bought porn - No
10) done drugs - No


11) taken pain killers - Yes.
12) taken someone elses prescription medicine - No
13) lied to your parents - Yes
14) lied to a friend - Yes
15) snuck out of the house - Yes
16) done something illegal - Yes
17) cut yourself - Yes, both intentionally and unintentionally.
18) hurt someone - No
19) wished someone to die - No
20) seen someone die - No


21) missed curfew - Yes
22) stayed out all night - No
23) eaten a carton of icecream by yourself - No
24) been to a therapist - Yes
25) been to rehab - No
26) dyed your hair - Yes
27) recieved a ticket - No
28) been in a wreck - Yes, unfortunately it was my own.
29) been to a club - Yes.
30) been to a bar - Yes


31) been to a wild party - No
32) seen the Mardi Gras - No
34) had a spring break in Florida - Does a summer break count?
35) sniffed anything - No.
36) wore black nail polish - No
37) wore arm bands - No
38) wore t-shirts with band names - No
39) listened to rap - No
40) own a 50 cent cd - No


41) dressed gothic - No
42) dressed prep - No
43) dressed punk - No
44) dressed grunge - No
45) stole something - Yes
46) been too drunk to remember anything - Yes
47) blacked out - Yes
48) fainted - Yes
49) had a crush on your neighbor - No
50) had someone sneak into your room - No


51) snuck into some else's room - No
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex - No
53) been to a concert - No
54) dry humped someone - Err what on earth does this mean.. ewww :(
55) been called a slut - No
56) called someone a slut -No
57) installed speakers in your car- Yes
58) broke a mirror - Yes.
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house - Yes
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush - No.


61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper - Who?
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters - No
63) cruised the mall - No
64) skipped school - Yes
65) had an eating disorder - No
66) had an injury - Yes
67) gone to court - Yes
68) walked out of a resteraunt without paying- No
69) caught something on fire - No
70) lied about your age - Yes


71) owned an apartment- Yes
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend - Yes
73) cheated with someone - Yes
74) got in trouble with the police - No
75) talked to a stranger - Yes
76) hugged a stranger - Yes
77) kissed a stranger - Yes
78) rode in the car with a stranger - No
79) been sexually harrassed - Yes
80) been verbally harassed - Yes


81) met face to face with someone you met online - Yes
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight - Yes
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight- Yes
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight - Yes
85) been to a fair - Yes
86) been called a bad influence - Yes
87) cursed - Yes
88) prank called someone - No
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex -No
90) cheated on a test - No


91) cheated on homework - No
92) held hands with someone of the opposite sex - Yes
93) been pushed into a pool - Yes
94) played pool - Yes
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight - No
96) had a crush on someone 10 years older than you - Yes
97) had a crush on someone younger than you - Yes
98) worn eyeliner - Yes
99) skinny dipped - No
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt - No

New pic of me..update

Well I am feeling brave and putting my recent piccie up showing my weight loss. I am really pleased and D thinks I am looking pretty good too. In fact he said to me that he noticed the weight loss immediately, and I am almost back to my shapely self from a few years ago..woohooo!!!!

So here I am..this was taken this month at a get together at a friends house.

Wow - Manchester Passion

I am sitting here watching a BBC production called Manchester Passion. All I can say is .... WOW!! I am totally blown away. I am not a religious person, and I don't celebrate Easter as a christian, but celebrate Ostera as a pagan, but I am hooked on this programme. Basically its a modern retake on the the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, with modern songs and a modern telling of the story.. I cant really say anything else about it, I am just so blown away with it..

No motivation..

Just cant get motivated today. Still the weather doesnt flipping help, one minute its freezing cold, then the sun is shining as though its summer, and this morning it snowed 10 miles down the road from me, overnight. It had even laid, D mentioned it when he got into work and emailed me. You wouldn't believe it was the middle of April.. I swear our seasons are all screwy at the moment.

Had a really weird dream last night. It actually felt like I was awake and was listening to the radio news, it was that vivid. The newsreader was saying that Sir Jimmy Saville had died of something or other, and it was a sad loss to everyone. I admit that I even looked all online and on ceefax to see if he had, due to the fact that I thought it was really a newsreading and not a dream. Suffice to say I couldn't find anything.

I've had several dreams like this lately, where I have actually thought I have had the conversations or heard the conversations in my dream. They are so real, spooky.


Well the weekend went by without any hiccups, nothing exciting happened. But then nothing ever does happen during my weekends. D went to M'stone on Saturday and I traipsed along with him for a change. It was quite nice to get out and about but I was shattered when I got home, and slept for an hour. And then on Sunday I did the spring clean marathon session on the house. And yes I was shattered at the end of that too, but at least the house is looking all nice and clean, and I even made a banana cake for D's lunch this week. So he is happy..lol Easily pleased that one.

I did some stitching too, but unfortunately can't put up pictures just yet as they are for exchanges. But I am happily getting back into the stitching again. This week I am going to hopefully start and finish the mail art piece that needs to be posted off next week for the Stitch and Stash board. I have several patterns that I printed off, but I can't decide which one..lol

And I gave in, and ordered some more thread and fabric from Jayne's Attic for the Beginners SAL Hardanger piece.. I know I wasnt going to buy anything else, but well I couldn't resist..lol.

Wow spooky..

Was browsing the blogs and came across this from Deadly's blog.. Its really accurate and spooky..

The Romantic (the Four)

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

* help their children become who they really are
* support their children's creativity and originality
* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Go here if you want to know what I am waffling on about..

Waffling on..

Well the spring weather didnt last long..knew it wouldn't..lol. There is a lovely greyish coloured sky outside my living room window now, and it has rained a bit today. What happened to the spring .. who stole it? Did the Grinch steal it, like he stole Christmas? Oooh wait there's a bit of sun as I am typing this..it is coming in from my patio windows at the other end of the living room. Ok this is weird..grey skies out the front and blueish out the back.. yep sounds about right for Britain..lol. And now onto a Meme:

I shamelessley stole this from Belinda's blog..

RealJukebox hero...


Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

How does the world see you? : Bryan Adams "On a Day Like Today"
but what about a day like tomorrow..lol

Will I have a happy life? : Leo Sayer "Long Tall Glasses"
glasses of what?

What do my friends really think of me? : Kate Bush "Experiment IV"
what happened to the other 3 experiments?

What do people secretly think of me? : Bryan Adams "Star"
kind of reminds me of the nursery rhyme..Twinkle Twinkle little star...

How can I make myself happy? : Phil Collins "Somewhere"
as in somewhere there is a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow..

What should I do with my life? : Supertramp "Take the long way home"
yeah but it takes forever to get there, I want the quicker route..

Will I ever have children? : Leo Sayer "Everyone"
everyones children, but I want mine..

What is some good advice for me? : Rachel Stevens "Je M'Appelle"
Oh how so true, now can if only I could take my own advice..

How will I be remembered? : Harry Nilson "I Can't Live Without You"
DH couldnt, he doesnt know how to work the washing machine..

What is my signature dancing song? : Rainbow "Stranded"
Yep, I'm definately stranded..

What do I think my current theme song is? : Rainbow "Catch the Rainbow"
Damn we are back to that rainbow again..

What does everyone else think my current theme song is? : Gloria Estefan "Anything for You"
Now what can I ask people to do ...

What song will play at my funeral? : Delta Goodrem "Out of the Blue"
Maybe, maybe not..

What type of men/women do you like? : Delta Goodrem "Love You Like the Last Night on Earth"
Strewth, if it was the last night on earth I would not be loving someone..

What is my day going to be like? : Justin Timberlake "Like I Love You"
Bit of an odd one that..

Hmmm not sure what to make of this - but I would say it was pretty accurate.. Also I have a variety of songs on my computer and over 45 hours of MP3's..lol

Two things... comments and therapy..

Oooh do those two headings go together..lol. Now I think if I mentioned it to W my therapist then she would have something to say about it..lol.

Anyway first of all I wanted to thank everyone of you all for you lovely comments on my recent posts.. You have made me feel so blessed to know you all..

Now on to therapy.. Well today was a very good day for a change. W was extremely pleased with my progress and we were even talking of discharge. Although I nearly panicked there and then cos me being me thought she was going to discharge me within the next month or so, but no we are going to take it slowly and by the end of the year I should be over my therapy. I really can't believe how far I have come within the past year, and W is really pleased too. I am feeling much more positive on several outlooks, and now the hard work is almost done I can finally start improving on getting out and about slowly but surely.. But as W said we will still be taking babysteps, so I don't go too fast. There is light at the end of the tunnel as they say.

This past week has been absolutely glorious, every day full of this strange orange blue in the sky, think its called the sun and looks something like this Sadly they are forecasting rain for tomorrow and Saturday, ugh why do they have to spoil it. Still at least I have got all the washing up to date, now to tackle the ironing..lol

And yes I am smiley happy at the moment..lol.

Lovely craft day at the weekend..

This weekend was really good. We went to D's parents in Seaford for the 2 days, mainly with the intention of stopping there as I was visiting friends in Polegate and it was a long journey to do in one day. Oh yep you can do it, but it would have been very tiring for me, so we decided against it.

Anyway after the long journey to his parents, where I had to drive seeing as D said it was my car..I dropped him off at his mum and dads and then drove over to Polegate to K's place. It was absolutely smashing. I had a laugh and a good old natter and made some new friends. K's place is just lovely and she did us proud with the lunch. I supplied the lemon cake, which went down really well

These are the cards I did for the card swap that K had organised between the girls:
























Afterwards I drove home to the inlaws and had a quietish evening.

Sunday we had a family get-together as D's aunt and uncle came round for sunday dinner and we exchanged Christmas presents. Yep I know I said Christmas, its just we don't get to see them very often and we have to wait 'till we do see each other to exchange pressies. Last year it wasnt until November that presents were exchanged so at least we were a bit earlier this year..

The meal was lovely as is normally is when we go to the inlaws, although the only bad bit was that I had a panic attack just before the meal. Unfortunately everything had got to me with the driving to Seaford yesterday, then the afternoon at K's and then Sunday. So it took it out of me. Anyway I recovered after shutting myself in the bedroom for a while and just collected myself together.

Then I had the lovely drive back home in the evening - but I was thankful when we finally got home. I could relax, and unfortunately I had a poorly puppy. Think he was overexcited from the weekend, so all he did was sleep solidly for 24 hours when we got back.

Yesterday I couldn't get going as I was still totally drained from the weekend, as was Bear. But luckily today I am feeling a wee bit brighter, just wish the weather was..lol.

Rotten weather..

I dont believe it.. The weather was supposed to be a pretty nice day and fairly warmish, but what is it? COLD and GREY!! I put some washing on the line this morning when there was a gloriously blue sky and the sun was shining but over the past couple of hours it has got greyer and greyer..ugh!!

Oh well better go and get the washing in and hang it on the airer.. Roll on the warmer weather.. :-)

Think even Bear knows its going to rain outside by the look of this picture: