Not sure what to call this post..and possibly tmi..
Monday, January 16, 2006
Ok this is a pity post for me, sadly it is one that has been getting to me for a while.
Now I am not sure if my readers know that I seem to be unable to carry a baby full term..I have had 14 miscarriages over a period of 12 years now. I did give birth twice but sadly they were both born way too early..a little girl at 21 weeks and a little boy at 20 weeks. And since then I have had troubles. The thing is I dont have any trouble actually conceiving, well I didnt till now..but the trouble was I had trouble carrying. Most of the time I lost when I was between 8 and 12 weeks. The last miscarriage was back in August 2004.
On investigation I have a weak womb, but that is nothing that cant be sorted out. And the other thing is they say I have unexplained infertility - heck how can I have infertility when I can actually conceive.
Since that August I have had no troubles with my monthlies, back on 28 days as regular as clockwork. For about 6 months or so after the miscarriage I went on the pill to regulate my body and then I came off them. Since then I have been in tune with the full moon..every 28 days for about 3/4 days.. Funny that is something I can say I have had no troubles with.. So why cant I now conceive?
It seems everywhere I look either on the boards or on the t.v. everyone is falling pregnant. Heck even people that arent really trying are falling.. Now please dont get me wrong I am really pleased for them, and would do nothing to dampen on their happiness. But everytime I see/hear someone falling pregnant its like a knife goes deeper and deeper.
I would so dearly love to have a child - I havent even got one like some have that are pregnant now. I know my age is probably going to go against me now - I am 37, and will be 38 in February. So the clock is ticking very loudly.
I have gone through fertility treatment, investigations and everything else possible. We have had tablets to boost my eggs, blood tests, everything and they were all normal. In the medical eyes there is no reason on earth why I cannot have a child.
It has even got to the point where I have even considered surrogacy.. I looked into it to see if maybe a surrogate mother would be a route we could take.
I have even stopped seeing a friend of mine because she fell pregnant with twins near the time I had my miscarriage in August, and it was so painful for me that I cut her out of my life because I couldnt be around her when she was pregnant or even when she had the twins. It hurts me when I see mothers that are basically only in it to get the benefits, so they just produce like rabbits.. then there are those that say oh we would love to have another child for our other child so they can have a brother or sister..etc.. You know I feel like saying to some people "be bloody grateful that you have one, there are people out there that cant even have one.." I feel that it has made me bitter and very angry, it does hurt me knowing that I am possibly going to be childless. The nearer I hit 40 the harder it gets.
All I want is a child of my own, to carry full term, to go through the joy/horror of birth - to be a mother.
Flying towards my dreams @12:48 pm