Last night I started to recognise the usual signs of me going majorly downhill big time. Trouble is I couldn't stop it at all, and although it is a slow process nonetheless it is happening. And you know why, its bloody winter!! The evenings are dark by 6pm, the weather is crap and so is my mood.
I also didn't realise how much I was hoping to not get a visit from 'aunt flo', I am feeling my clock ticking away and know that I don't have long left if I want my dearest wish to come true. But I will be honest, I do not want D's, my dearest wish is to have a child with J. Impossible, I can hear that voice in my head saying, the one that's called a conscience.. I don't give a flying fig about my conscience..sometimes I don't give a f*** about my own feelings.
I am getting so fed up now with having to put the lovely face on for everyone, being all jolly online and offline. I do wish I could let my friends see how I am really feeling but they don't want to see me being a miserable bitch all the time. That would be the quickest way of losing friends I think.. so what do I do? Yep I keep it all bottled up till it gets to the point where I can no longer keep it contained. It starts to eat away at me, just a slow knawing then it gets bigger and bigger till it completely takes over and has completely eaten me up. I want to curl up, bury myself under the duvet, heck even run away to where no-one knows me where I can just lose myself amongst the crowd and become a nobody.
I wish my DH wasn't being such a love and understanding me so much. He never complains when he sees me going downhill, sees the state of the house etc.. he lets me work it out myself without questioning why I am doing this or not doing that. If he knew that inside I was still crying because I wanted J so much. I would sell my soul to the devil if I could have my best friend back. I miss being able to ring him up and talk about how my day has been or how I am feeling, or hearing how he has been doing this and that.. I miss being able to send him daft emails during the day telling him stuff, like how Bear has been etc.. I miss having him in my life so much it hurts. I don't want J as a lover, or anything like that, I want him in my life as my best friend. He knew me and I knew him, we bounced off each other, t was a friendship that would last or so I thought. We always said that if we ever split up we would always be there for each other, always be friends no matter what.. How come its so hard to lose a friend rather than a lover. J was/is my soulmate and always will be, there is no doubt about that. Maybe that's why I am holding onto M so much, trying to recreate something that I so desperately want but cant have..
Why can life not be easy, why are there so many trials sent to us, and why the heck am I not getting strong enough to handle these trials. Just when I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel as though I am being dragged back, all the life is being sucked out of me.
If only taking pills would make it all go away, or cutting would take the pain away but it doesn't. It just makes it worse!
Please let it get easier, please can I curl up and hope it all goes away?. Please can I have my best friend/soulmate back?
