Hmm - to be noticed or not to be noticed..
Thursday, February 09, 2006

Strange title I know but it kind of sums it up a lot.

This is really a piggyback on a comment I made to Tammy's blog (I think) about would I actually be missed on or across the BB's if I wasnt around. I felt that I was insignificant enough that nobody would actually notice I had gone or not posted for a while.

Well guess what? This has actually happened on a board I used to go to. I have just been browsing the board catching up on what I had missed, and no-body even noticed I hadnt been around since after CHristmas. It wasnt that I didnt want to post on the board, it was just the way someone asked me to reconsider my membership..dont ask!! I mean even when I am not online over a period of time like Christmas, I cant do good for doing wrong.. So anyway back to the board.. There arent any posts referring to me,especially as I was organising an exhange or not as the case is now, or wondering why I havent been on the board etc.. Now this goes to prove my theory that maybe I have really made an impact on people..NOT! Am I really that quiet and unassuming that if anything happened to me nobody would actually notice that "Nat" wasnt around. Well apart from my DH of course.

I cant even begin to explain how this makes me feel at the moment. Yeah I know its a pity me post, but it kind of struck me very hard.

The other strange thing is "so called friends" from this board, and possibly another - knew about my Nana's death yet it is only a handful of people that actually offered condolences. Yes I know its probably selfish, but when I get condolences from people who arent in my country it hits me that my UK friends dont seem to give a shit. Oh dont get me wrong, I am so thankful for those that did post the comments, it did touch me. But then I suppose after reading a few things in various places I got to thinking. And then after finding out this very unnerving fact on the other board - yes it did unnerve me.

Yep you can tell I have very low self esteem..and dont exactly think a lot of myself at the moment. But that is something that is being worked on with therapy etc..Maybe its all the years of being broken as a child/teenager/young adult and being a constant doormat/mug all my life, they have taken their toll on me. You know when you are constantly told you are worthless and nobody cares about you - well maybe it starts to rub off on you. Hence my low self esteem etc..

There is someone else who wouldnt even care if I was around or not - my mother. The one that has constantly made me feel worthless, and broke me as a child. My mother hadnt heard from me since April of last year - yet she didnt consider to ring up either me or Dave to see if anything was up. I mean for all she knew I could have been in hospital with another breakdown or something. But no she didnt take the time to find out. Now I expect those of you are probably wondering why I didnt do the same with my mother - well basically if you had a mother like mine who didnt give a damn about whether you was alive or dead I dont think you would be bothered to care about her. As I said she broke me as a child, and destroyed all confidence I had with the mental abuse from an early age and then the rape at 15. And to decide to stand by my rapist when he came out of jail, instead of her own child - her own flesh and blood that had been destroyed. Had had her childhood cruelly snatched away from her by the one person she thought she could trust in the world. Well thats why I never contacted my mother, and I didnt tell her I wasnt contacting her I was letting her figure it out. And yes if she had rung to see how I was maybe it would have shown me that she had changed..it would have actually made me feel as though someone had wanted me for me. You know if you are told enough times that nobody really cares about you, that you are worthless and it wouldnt be a terrible thing if you hadnt been born or was around, after a while you start to believe it yourself, and when it is told to you when you are young and impressionable then it is ten times as worse, and you go along your life thinking like that nearly all the time. It is hard to stop thinking that, even when you try and get through those barriers. And then when you think "yes I've done it, I've beaten everything" something hits you when you are down and you start thinking that maybe people are right.

Wow who would have thought that two deaths, of very dear loved ones, in the space of two days, and one death of a fellow blogger, would bring all this on. I certainly didnt, but there you go. It did.


I have one thing to say - Nana why did you have to die - why did you leave me with her!!!!!
Flying towards my dreams @3:18 am

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