The day after yesterday..

I think yesterday was a nono for me. I couldn't get myself out of a funk all day. I would be lying if I said that I didnt know the reason why as I do sadly.. What should have been a happy day for me was actually tinged with sadness, and not in a good way unfortunately.

Yesterday was my 17th wedding anniversary to D, and sadly it was also the day that J and I split up 2 years ago.

Its funny how you remember things isnt it? I remember the day I got married to D with such clarity - it was a hot day just like yesterday was. And I thought it was the happiest moment of my life saying my wedding vows to D, but with hindsight I suppose I was caught up in all the pomp and circumstance of it all. Oh dont get me wrong, I do love D, and over the years that love has grown in one way but also died in another way. I do think that we will never get back those heady days at the beginning - so much has happened along the way since. I have changed too to such strong extremes, I am no longer that girl that walked down the aisle back in 1989 ready to give everything I had to my husband. But sadly D has only progressed along the change in such small ways.

Then there is J. What can I say about J, not a lot only that I wouldnt have changed those years we were together for anything. I think, and I can honestly say that he has made me the person I am now. I learnt a lot along the way. Some were good for me, but some were also bad for me. But if it hadnt been for J I wouldnt be here. I owe him so much. We had some good times, and yes we had bad times too. When J and I split up I thought my life was over, but I grew to learn that it wasnt. My life was what I made of it, and with careful nurturing I found a fluttering of a new me. A me that was not going to sit back and take the shite thrown at me, a me that wanted to live - to be stronger. A me that finally had a voice in my marriage, in my life. I managed to turn myself totally around after J, and for that I will always be truly grateful to him. He showed me I could be anything I wanted..and I wanted to be stronger, and most of all I wanted to get better. To finally conquer my fears, to get rid of all the dead wood in my life, to throw away anything that was dragging me down. And yes I did all this, and you know what - I am so much better in many ways.

So to J I say - Thank you for being there when I needed you. For coming into my life and helping me to love again and for loving me for who I was not for who you wanted me to be.

To D I say- Thank you for everything you have always done, and for standing by me when I have faltered and fallen. For picking me up and still being there at all times.

I owe a lot to these two very special men, sadly one is not in my life anymore but he will always have a special place in my heart, that shall never be taken by anyone, and I hope he will always know that. I will never forget him. If it wasnt for J I would not be who I am today.. Thank you my dear friend.