Friday, July 01, 2005
Ok after yesterday's therapy session I wasnt really up to posting on my blog, so I am updating now.
Well lets just say Wendy is not on my christmas list at the moment..lol. She's a bully, and knows how to get stuff out of me. :-(
Yesterday we went over breathing techniques..whoppee doo I thought. But believe it or not I was amazed at how much I hadnt been breathing properly. This only came about cos everytime something was mentioned that I didnt like Wendy gave me "permission" to breathe..lol. Didnt realise how much I was holding my breath in. I'm still not happy with the start of therapy because if this session was hard then what the heck are the ones further on going to be like. Anyway we went over the "game plan" so to speak, and we have to do it like a jigsaw - fill in the outside edges before we tackle the inside bits. So I have to learn how to look after myself before we do anything.
I also learnt that I had been abusing myself without realising it. Because when I self harm the marks can be seen I have found another way of self harming, a way that no-one can see. And that is by not eating properly and not drinking correctly either. How the hell did Wendy figure this out I have absolutely no idea but she managed to get it out of me. I had to admit to her that I had only been having a yogurt or cereal for breakfast and then not eating till teatime, and then only picking at my meal. And the drinking I wasnt doing was doing me a lot of harm - especially in the last couple of weeks where it has been so hot. I havent been putting the fluids back in. I have been lucky if I have been drinking 3 cups of tea a day..:-(
We also agreed that where I had been having therapy with Eddie all those years ago, I hadnt actually prepared myself mentally and physically to tackle my issues. And because I couldnt handle it I just collapsed under the pressure and retreated into my little world where no-one could hurt me. And unfortunately I was unable to keep the barriers up anymore and I was getting hurt more and more, and I couldnt control the situations I was in so I just broke down again and got worse mentally. Hence the reason we need to build up the coping mechanisms before we tackle any major issues that we are going to be addressing.
So my goals for the next week are to drink at least 2ltrs of water a day and to practice my breathing 4 or 5 times a day. And I also had to promise not to harm myself this week.
Well so far I havent harmed myself - I have had cereal for breakfast, a couple of tomatoes for lunch with cherries, and a small piece of lasagna for dinner. Its a start, not a big one but definately a start. I havent managed to keep to my goal of drinking water or breathing. I shall try and make a better effort tomorrow.
So now we are on the long road of therapy, for approximately 12 mths...shorter if I make good progress.
Flying towards my dreams @8:44 pm